SHORT ANIMAL JOKES
A pig and a chicken were
walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting
caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they
each make a contribution.
"Great idea!"
the chicken cried.
"Let's offer them
ham and eggs?"
"Not so fast,"
said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me,
it's a total commitment."
A cat was running wildly
down alleys, up fire escapes, down cellars and what-not. A neighbor
knew whose cat it was and reported it. "Your cat is running around
like mad."
"I know," answered
the owner. "He's just been sterilized and he is canceling engagements."
An ant and an elephant
share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the
elephant is dead.
"Shit!" says
the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my
life digging a grave!"
A dog thinks: Hey, these
people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry
house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these
people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry
house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
A lady opened her refrigerator
and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing
in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This
is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" to which the lady replied, "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit
said, "I'm westing."
Two rabbits were being
chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well,
do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number
them?"
There was a hound dog laying
in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, sir, but
does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.
The old man replied, "Nope."
So the tourist stepped
out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on
his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was
flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your
dog didn't bite!"
The old man replied, "Ain't
my dog."
A donkey had an IQ of 186.
He had no friends at all though. Even in the animal kingdom, nobody
likes a smart-ass.
Why did the Chicken cross
the road?
To show the Armadillo it could be done.
How do you tell the difference
between a cow and a bull?
Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.
What does it mean when
the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted candy?
He probably had a bad hare day.
How does a rabbit make
gold soup?
He begins with 24 carrots.
What do you get when you
pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
Why did God make only one
Yogi Bear?
Because when he tried to make a second one he made a boo-boo.
What's the best way to
make a bull sweat?
Give him a tight jersey.
Laughing stock -- cattle
with a sense of humor
Did you hear about the
Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their
business?
Their slogan: "Either way you get your pet back."
What happens when a bomb
goes off in the middle of a herd of cows?
Udder destruction!
What do you get when you
cross a python with a porcupine?
Ten feet of barbed wire.
What goes peck, peck, peck,
boom?
A chicken in a mine field.
What goes, "99-thump,
99-thump, 99-thump"?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
What disease can you get
from kissing birds?
Chirpes! (A canareal disease, but it's untweetable.)
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
What do you call a cat
who does tricks?
A magic kit.
What kind of work does
a weak cat do?
Light mouse work.
Why did the mother cat
put stamps on her kittens?
Because she wanted to mail a litter.
Which state has a lot of
dogs and cats?
Petsylvania.
Why should you walk carefully
when it's raining cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle.
Which game did the cat
want to play with the mouse?
Catch.
What do English cats drink
in the afternoon?
Kit-tea.
Where did the kittens go
on their class trip?
To a mewseum.
How do you call a barber
cat?
Yell..."Hair Kitty!"
What did the man say when
the steamroller ran over his cat?
Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.
What did the doe say as
she came running out of the brush?
"That's the LAST time I do THAT for two bucks!"
Why don't bunnies make
noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.
What do you call a herd
of masturbating cattle?
Beef Strokenoff.
What do you get when you
cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
What do you call a cow
with and abortion?
Decalfinated.
What do you get when you
put an experimental monkey in a blender?
Rhesus Pieces.
If there is H2O on the
inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P.
What is brown and sits
in the forest?
Winnie's poo.
What do you get when you
cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.
What do you call three
rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
A receding hareline.
What does an elephant use
for a Tampon?
A sheep!
How many canaries can you
get under a Scotsman's kilt?
Depends how long the perch is.
A fly sees a cute little
female fly land on a pile of shit. He buzzes down and says, "Excuse
me, miss, is this stool taken?"
How do you know if elephants
have been making love in your back yard?
The trash can liner bags are missing.
What do you get when you
cross a donkey with an onion?
You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of
ass that brings tears to your eyes!
What did the fish say when
he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."
What do you get from a
pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Where do you get virgin
wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Did you hear about the
nearsighted skunk?
He tried to rape a fart.
Why do mice have small
balls?
Not that many know how to dance.
What sound does a Horny
Toad make?
RUB IT, RUB IT..
What do you call a dog
with metal balls and no hind legs?
Sparky.
Why can't Miss Piggy count
to 70?
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
How do you catch a polar
bear?
You cut a hole in the ice. Then you open a can of peas. Place
the peas next to the whole in the ice. When the bear comes to
take a pea... you kick him in the ice hole.
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.
Why do seagulls live near
the sea?
If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Why did the monkey fall
out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second monkey
fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the third monkey
fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Where do you find a no
legged dog?
Right where you left him!
Did you hear about the
little Chihuahua that swallowed a Viagra pill?
He became a pointer!
What's the last thing to
go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?
It's ass.
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!
What happens when two frogs
collide?
They get tongue tied!
How does a frog feel when
he has a broken leg?
Unhoppy.
Why did the frog read Sherlock
Holmes?
He liked a good croak and dagger.
What happened to the frog's
car when his parking meter expired?
It got toad!
What did the frog order
at McDonald's?
French flies and a diet Croak.
What is the thirstiest
frog in the world?
The one who drinks Canada Dry!
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits!
What does a bankrupt frog
say?
"Baroke, baroke, baroke."
What do you call little
bugs that live on the moon?
Luna-ticks.
Why don't chickens wear
underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
Why don't blind people
skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What has four legs and
an arm?
A happy pit-bull.
What did the lesbian frog
say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!
What do you call a gay
dinosaur?
Mega-sor-ass.
What do Tupperware and
a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
What do you call two skunks
doing "69"?
Odor eaters.
How many animals can fit
in a pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggies, 2 calfs, a beaver and an ass!
A country dog comes to
the city and seeing his first parking meter thinks, "How do you
like that...PAY TOILETS!"
Two ROBINS were lying on
their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking
by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we
eat?"
To which the mama cat,
spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"
A leopard went to see an
optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam. "Every time
I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I
see spots before my eyes."
"So what's to worry
about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?"
"What's that got to
do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is a zebra."
During an auction of exotic
pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm
paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say
he does."
"I guarantee it, madam,"
replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
Consider the case of the
hen that observed the undisciplined behavior of her youngest chick with
obvious disapproval. "If your father could see you now," she
cackled disgustedly, "He'd turn over in his gravy."
Two eagles are soaring
along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says
to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah.
You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"
A man was out walking a
dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's
name?" she asked.
"Herpes," replied
the dog's owner.
"How....odd,"
said the woman. "Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't
heel."
In the Bronx, N.Y., lived
a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did deign to chat on
occasion with her neighbor, an alley cat. One day, she announced that
she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was
for.
Two weeks later, her humble
friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then
dared to ask what kind of operation she had had.
"Oh, I am quite well
now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy."
"For heaven's sake!"
the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, . . ."Why can't you call
a spayed a spayed."
A baby seal waddles into
a pub and the landlord asks, "What'll you have?" and the seal
says, "Whisky."
And the landlord says,
"What sort?"
And the seal says, "Anything
but Canadian Club!"
A couple goes to a masquerade
party dressed as a cow. He's in front, she's in back. The party gets
a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for
a little walk. As they're going across a pasture, they hear, "Snort!
Snort!"
The wife says, "Bobby!
There's a bull over there, and I think he's gonna charge! What are we
gonna do?"
The husband says, "Well,
I'm gonna eat some grass -- you'd better brace yourself."
A little old lady walks
into a taxidermist shop carrying the dead bodies of her pet male and
female monkeys. She explains that they were her favorite pets and she
misses seeing them around the house. "Would you like to have them
mounted?" asks the taxidermist.
"Oh, no," she
replies, "standing side by side will be just fine."
A blind man was waiting
to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into
his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passerby who'd seen everything
remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really,"
came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I
can kick him in the nuts."
There was once a woman
who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day when she came home
from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was
out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen
him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that
he had seen a stray dog. The dog he described matched hers exactly.
Upon finding out this information
she asked the young boy, "Have you seen my Titswiggle?"
The boy said, "No,
but can that be my reward?"
It's the spring, and the
baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck.
He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.
His mother says, "Junior!
Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"
He says, "Hibernate?
Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"
"Old Jethro's next
door is a-makin' moonshine again," the wife told her husband.
"How can you tell?"
he asked. "Did you smell it?"
"Nope. But a bunch
of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the tarnation
outta our cats."
After hearing a shot, Hank
ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. "Say, what's wrong?"
Hank asked.
Tony sobbed, "I had
to shoot my dog."
Hank said, "My God!
Was he mad?"
Tony replied, "Well,
he wasn't exactly overjoyed."
ZZZZZ
 
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