HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle
it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from
floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
3. Retrieve cat from
bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from
foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from
goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with
cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore
low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from
curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new
ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large
towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from
below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make
sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste
away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from
neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close
door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver
from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade
to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws
to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.
Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with
small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour half-liter of water down throat
to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive
you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for vet to
make a housecall.
ZZZZZ
