CHOOSING
A PET
A pet can
be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose
one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a
winning choice:
* Pets eventually
grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be
sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant
Pacific sea tortoise.
* Be sure
to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new
pet home.
* Pets soiling
the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food
and water.
* Pets are
loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty
and neglect you do your children.
* Though
most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive,
it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with
spaying and neutering.
* Don't
choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle, unless you
have plenty of room to store the leftovers.
* Only choose
a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand
struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.
* For a
fun and low-maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat." Place
a kitten in a 16-ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new pet won't get
any bigger and will never run away or get into fights.
* Before
letting your children play with their brand-new pet, remove potentially
dangerous teeth and claws with a handheld rotating saw.
* For those
parents concerned about the added expense a pet brings, remember:
many pets and children may be fed to one another.
* Pet ownership
is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from
the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent
can teach these important lessons in about three hours.
* Remind
your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through
good behavior. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take
the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving
candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual
consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.
* Remember,
pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably
should not be allowed to own one.
ZZZZZ
