CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?
Calling in sick to work makes me
uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am
lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too
humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a
head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think
up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I
conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition
was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead.
Come reset it."
You know where the button is," I
protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded.
"What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take
a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked,
hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without
consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the
sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without
warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me
into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling
objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as
I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger
anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control
orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly,
while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly
stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a
step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a
"fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment
how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great
heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my
ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics
stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried
to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an
explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat got your
tongue?"
If they had only known!!
 
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