SHORT
BLONDE JOKES
Two blondes decide to go
duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before
and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the
other and says "I just don't understand it -- why aren't we getting
any ducks?"
Her friend says "I
keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
A friend meets up with
her friend as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.
Her friend asks, "Everything
ok with your car now?"
The blonde replies, "Yes,
thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off,
so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
A blonde walked into the
pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales
clerk for help.
"I'd like a box of
birdseed," said the lady.
"For which kind of
bird?" he asked helpfully.
"Oh, I dunno,"
she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest."
One night a blonde teenage
girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were
appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos
and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and
confessed their concern.
"Dear," said
the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Mom," replied
the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours
of community service?"
A blonde bought a brand
new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this
friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days
there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her
in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the
next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her
distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously
very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers
are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for
going back!"
A blonde pulls over at
the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the
engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the
dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.
"Excuse me sir, but
can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you
need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one
isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
Sally, the blonde, runs
crying into the office.
"What's wrong?"
gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend..."
gushes Sally. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his
car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"
"My god!" shrieks
Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"
"No thank goodness,"
sniffs Sally. "But it was the one just next to it!"
At a paternity trial, the
blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16 last, at approximately
11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the
defendant have sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered
the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant
on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?"
the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she
replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars."
A 92-year old woman had
a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After
about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old
lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year
old daughter (who wasn't
blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't
make it.
"Didn't make it? Where
could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
the former blonde asked.
This one blonde decided
to commit suicide. So, she thought being hit by a train is not that
bad. She lay with her legs spread over the railway line.
The next day in the paper,
it read, "Train disappeared, reward offered."
While shopping at the grocery
store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin
safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to
the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
The blonde replied, "Must
be because the oil would suffocate them."
There were 11 people hanging
onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was
a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because
if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who
should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching
speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes
started clapping.
A blonde was taking the
tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour
group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.
The blonde exclaimed, "Wow!
I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"
A blonde was playing Trivial
Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed
on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you
are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time
and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Two blondes are walking
down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down
to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm,
this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says,
"Here, let me see!"
So the first Blonde hands
her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass,
it's me!"
Two drunk blondes are stumbling
home one night. One of the girls has to take a piss and stumbles off
into a field.
After quite sometime the
girl waiting goes looking for the other girl. She finds her jerking
off a horse. When she asked her what she was doing, she replied, "Hang
on I think I might be able to get us a ride home."
A blonde went to her mail
box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his
rounds.
A neighbor noticed her
repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special
delivery.
Her reply: "No, but
my computer keeps telling me I have mail."
A blonde got lost in her
car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her.
"If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and
follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to
follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the
snow plow got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that
her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a
plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart
lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart..."
Two blondes were walking
down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with
one eye!"
The other blonde covers
one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
A blonde, worried about
the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08,
please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents
for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the
packaging."
"Tax," replies
the clerk.
"Gee," says the
blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
A guy walked into the doctor's
surgery for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?"
the pretty blonde receptionist asked. "I'll need the information
for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing,"
the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant
erection."
"Well, the doctor
is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I
can squeeze you in."
A very well-built young
blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated
she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained.
"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and
failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for
a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying
life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this,
then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink,
and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
It was afternoon in the
crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously
upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her.
Finally the older woman
could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with
a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than
smoke!"
"So would I,"
quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't time enough
during a coffee break."
A blonde gets her first
period, so she goes to the drugstore to get some pads. The wide selection
and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help.
"What kind of pads
should I get?" she says. "This is all new to me."
"Well," says
the clerk, "that depends on the flow."
She says, "It's ceramic
tile."
A blonde with two red ears
went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears
and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but
instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and
stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the
doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other
ear?"
"The son of a bitch
called back."
This executive was interviewing
a nervous young blonde women for a position in his company. He wanted
to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you
could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it
be?"
The blonde quickly responded,
"The living one."
Did you hear about the
two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said,
"I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's
a suicide blonde."
The other said, "Suicide
blonde? What's that?"
The friend said, "Dyed
by her own hand!"
A police officer arrives
at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their
death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still
breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why the hell did you
three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a
very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with
wings..."
One day a blonde went to
a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she
went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
Two Blondes observed in
a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat
hanger.
Linda: I can't seem to
get this door unlocked!
Sylvie: Well, you'd better
hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
A blonde and brunette are
in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect; 3-piece
suit, great build with a nice butt, the bad part is they both noticed
he had dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed
the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give
him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied,
"How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
"Excuse me, could
you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on the street
corner.
"Sure....it's three
fifteen," he replied with a smile.
"Thanks," she
said, a puzzled look crossing her face. "You know, it's the weirdest
thing ... I've been asking that question all day long, and each time
I get a different answer."
The blonde is walking down
the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A
policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could
cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast
is hanging out."
She looks down and says,
"OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
A man works in the operations
department of a large bank. Employees call him from the field when they
have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a
branch bank called him and said, "I've got smoke coming from the
back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
When the surgeon came to
see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him
somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume
her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really
thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the
first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
After hours and hours of
exhausting sex with a blonde, a man walks into his kitchen to get a
drink. He fills his glass up with milk, when he looks down and realizes
that his pecker is still really hot. So he sticks his pecker in the
glass of milk to cool it down.
Just as he does that the
blonde walks in and says, "I always wondered how you refilled those
things!"
A blonde woman strode angrily
into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly
expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's
the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very
large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats'
are meant for cats?"
There was a beautiful young
blonde checking out in the grocery store. As she placed her groceries
on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?"
"It doesn't matter,"
she replied. "I'm bisacksual."
A blonde and a brunette
are walking through a park. The brunette, looking at the ground,
says, "Look! A dead bird!"
The blonde looks up at
the sky and says, "Where?!"
A blonde's house is on
fire. She runs outside and yells, "Help me! My house is on
fire! What do I do?!"
Someone else yells, "Call
911!"
The blonde yells back, "What's the number?"
ZZZZZ
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