COLLEGE
FOOTBALL: NORTH VS. SOUTH
WOMEN'S ATTIRE
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket
and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two
lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a bottle Perrier. Wallet not
necessary-that's what dates are for.
STADIUM SIZE
Up north: College football stadiums hold
20,000.
Down south: High school football stadiums
hold 20,000
NAMES
Up North: Doug Flutie
Down South: Dion Sanders
WEATHER
Up North: Snow and Ice.
Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in
the thirties.
FATHERS
Up North: Expect their daughter to
understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to
understand pass interference.
ATTIRE
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly
sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.
Down South: Male - pressed khakis, oxford
shirt, cap with frat logo, Panthers. Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan,
flat riding boots, oxford.
ALUMNI
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips
before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips
so they don't leave for the NFL their senior year.
CAMPUS DECOR
Up North: Statues of Founding Fathers.
Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy
winners.
HOMECOMING QUEEN
Up North: Also a physics major.
Down South: Also Miss USA.
HEROES
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: "Bear" Bryant, Bobby
Bowden, Steve Spurrier
GETTING TICKETS
Up North: 5 days before the game you can
walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you
can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for
tickets.
FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY
NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not
sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday
because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to
class on Friday.
PARKING
Up North: An hour or two before game time
the university opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV's sporting their school
flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend's festivities. The real faithful begin
arriving on Tuesday.
GAME DAY
Up North: A few students party in the dorm
and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a
beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day
"Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why Game
Day is never broadcast from their campus.
TAILGATING
Up North: Wieners on the grill, beer with a
lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped
smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the
Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a couple bottles of beer.
GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You have to ask, "Where's
the stadium?" When you find it you walk right in with no line. Down South: When
you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.
CONCESSIONS
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup
filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup
with the home team's mascot-filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.
WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 80,000+ fans sing along in
perfect 3-part harmony.
THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE
FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing changes.
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of beer.
COMMENTARY (MALE)
Up North: "Nice play."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch!
Tackle him and break his legs!!!"
COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
Up North: "My, this is a violent
sport."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch!
Tackle him and break his legs!!!"
AFTER THE GAME
Up North: The stadium is empty before the
game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the
smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more beer, planning begins
for next week's party.
 
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