SHORT COLLEGE JOKES
Students, take note:
Knowledge is power ...
But power corrupts ...
And corruption is a crime
...
And crime doesn't pay ...
So if you keep on studying
you'll go broke!
A grandfather went to visit his college-age
grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin
and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.
"In my day," grumbled Gramps,
"we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night
hoping to pass our classes."
"But grandpa," replied the
grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."
There once was an old man of
Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.
It had been snowing for hours when an
announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University
Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another
announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please
return to class."
A college professor in an anatomy class
asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class
checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect
penis.
The professor commented, "Oh, no, I
wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way?"
The stunning blonde had gone to her student
advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his
replies.
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, I have this
compulsion to have sex with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name
for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as
he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."
Optimist: A college student who opens his
wallet and expects to find money.
I have three college
degrees:
B.S. - Bull Shit
M.S. - More of the Same
Ph.D. - Piled Higher and
Deeper
The graduate with a Science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"
A college student in a philosophy class was
taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which
simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that
is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on
the exam.
A Boston brokerage house advertised for a
"young Harvard graduate or the equivalent."
Among the inquiries received was one from a
Yale grad. He said, "Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?"
Theresa was studying public speaking, when
she was given an assignment to give a short speech on sex. Here's what she said:
"It gives me great pleasure. Thank You."
"How was your blind date?" a
college student asked her room-mate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate
answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car.
What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
A young man hired by a supermarket reported
for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave
him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the
young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom....I'll show you how."
A student comes to a young professor's
office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would
do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes
meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "... I would do...
anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would
you... study?"
One day our professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why
do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor
responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke
up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of
medical school," replied the professor.
The instructor was demonstrating the
wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand
and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large
charge from rubbing my rod..."
That was pretty much the end of learning
for that day.
In some foreign country a Athens State
Priest, a University of Alabama Lawyer and an Auburn Engineer are about to be guillotined.
The Priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares
that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go.
The Lawyer is put on the block, and again
the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same
crime and he too, is set free.
They grab the Auburn Engineer and shove his
head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a
minute, I see your problem..."
Why are rectal thermometers banned at
Auburn University?
They cause too much brain damage.
How do you break an Auburn guy's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
Why did the Auburn student marry the cow?
He had to.
How can you tell when there's been an
Auburn student in your backyard?
The garbage is gone and your dog's pregnant.
What is the definition of safe sex down at
Auburn?
Placing a sign on the animals that kick...
How do you castrate an Auburn football
player?
You hit his sister in the jaw.
How do you compliment an Auburn fan?
Nice tooth.
How can you tell your getting close to
Auburn?
If you stop to take a piss the cows will back up to the fence.
What is the definition of an Auburn virgin?
An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.
An Auburn graduate was suffering from
constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the grad complained to the
doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them
regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been
doing," the grad said, "Shoving them up my ass?"
 
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