THE PROFESSOR SAYS...
When professors say this . . .They really
mean this!
* This needs some minor revision. - I never
actually got around to reading this.
* My office hours are by appointment only.
- I like to get out of here early.
* Ten percent of your grade is based on
class participation. - I'll be fudging your grades.
* This won't be on the test. - Nap time!
* Bring the text to class. - I don't have a
clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.
* He's not fully up to speed on that. -
He's got his head up his ass.
* I don't have the latest department
guidelines. - I've got my head up my ass.
* Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that
before we proceed. - I've got my head up HIS ass.
* Talk to the department secretary. - Piss
off.
* Talk to me in my office after class. -
Get out of my face.
* The tests will all be multiple-choice. -
I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.
* Don't come in late during my lecture. - I
have the attention span of a fruit fly.
* Save your questions until the end. - See
above.
* The final will be comprehensive. - I'll
expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15
weeks.
* Everyone will prepare in-class oral
presentations. - This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU
teach.
* There are two TAs available to help you.
- I can't be bothered.
* This year I'll be scaling the grades. - I
just passed tenure review.
* Let's break up into quiet discussion
groups. - I have a hangover.
* Let's have class outdoors today! - I had
beans for lunch.
* You won't be able to sell back the text
to the bookstore. - My contract wasn't picked up.
* Please note the last day to withdraw. -
The midterm's gonna suck.
* The answer to number 4 is "b,"
and just skip number 17. - I only got around to making up the test last night.
* The second list is optional reading. - I
have a rich fantasy life.
* I haven't had a chance to make up the
syllabus for this course yet. - The asshole department chair stuck me with teaching this
course at the last possible minute.
* Well, it was on the syllabus. - I'll hold
you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.
* We'll just skip the term paper this
semester. - There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.
* Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam. -
See above.
* Attendance is required and will be
counted in your grade. - I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.
* Read chapters 5 through 10. - I'm not
coming in at all next week.
* We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
- I screwed up the lecture schedule.
* Let's go over the exam. - Half of you
failed.
* It was in the textbook. - I pulled it out
of my ass.
* Extra credit is available. - I need some
shit work done.
 
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