WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR COLLEGE ROOMMATE
* Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever
comes naturally.
* Switch the sheets on your beds with the
next door neighbors.
* Twitch a lot.
* Pretend to talk while pretending to be
asleep.
* Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer
and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
* Walk and talk backwards.
* Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.
Drink it all.
* Ask your roommate if your family can move
in "just for a couple of weeks."
* Buy as many back issues of Field and
Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
* Smile. All the time.
* Collect dog shit in baby food jars.
Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
* Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos
in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash.
Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get
hungry, demand that she/he reimburse you.
* Paste boogers on the windows in occult
patterns.
* Shoot rubber bands at your mate while
his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
* Hide your underwear and socks in your
roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
* Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one
minute and then stand up and announce that you are going to take a shower. Do
so. Keep this up for three weeks.
* Paint your half of the room black. Or
paisley.
* Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep,
ask questions that start with, "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
* Always flush the toilet three times.
* Buy a copy of Weird Al Yankovic's
"Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate
complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
* Listen to radio static.
* Cover one of the walls with polaroids of
fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think that you
were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips
to the bathroom.
* Get a small, battery-operated clock which
ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your mate's
bed.
* Expound upon the importance of good
personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.
* Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at
once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints
from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.
* Walk around in circles all the
time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.
 
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