1. Before becoming involved
in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids,
etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and
not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at
a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult
to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys"
can be heard.
2. For men, before you
begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the
splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment
of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck"
and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter
what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe,
slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could
cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber
partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and
your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your
belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't
want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit
down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every
time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a
commotion at the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the
ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing,
we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins
to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are
many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not
to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue
this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
5. If the cyber is not
going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can.
It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have
just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house,
pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather
read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your
fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and
last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the
monotony.
6. When it really starts
getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that
embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts
of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put
a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with
boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you
got the supersized fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show
me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial
oh fork me hard!
7. Pay attention to what
is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one
place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else.
If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel.
If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature
cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your
female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always
works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from
the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
8. Once both cyberpartners
have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the
added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you.
(Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly
had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad
experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this
person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the
wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just
bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody
needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least,
remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all
the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in
the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted
if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing
with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can
be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when
your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something
different.
