THE
I LOVE YOU VIRUS
Security experts and federal government
authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a
public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how
to recognize them:
- The "I Love You, But I'm Shy"
virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from
afar.
- The "Unrequited Love" virus
causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it
can no longer function.
- The "Love The One You're With"
virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find
the computer that it really wants to invade.
- The "Can't We Just Be Friends"
virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer
is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer,
dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
- The "One Night Stand" virus
invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising
to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
- The "Happily Married" virus
invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
- The "Unhappily Married" virus
spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to
other computers from time to time.
- The "I Can't Commit" virus
hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to
invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer's data.
- The "It's Just A Physical
Thing" virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever
exchanged.
- The "I Want A Divorce" virus
sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally
leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data in an
ugly network session.
- The "Little Virus Of The
Evening" virus will do anything to your computer--if you're willing to pay the right
price.
- The "Stalker" virus spends
unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has
thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
- The "Forever Single" virus
causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with
it.
- The "Deadbeat Dad" virus
invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as
it grows.
- The "Married Too Long" virus
splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online
shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.
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