YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP
HMO WHEN...
* Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
* Use of antibiotics deemed an
"unauthorized experimental procedure."
* Head-wound victim in the waiting room is
on the last chapter of "War and Peace."
* You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle
stick and duct tape.
* Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
* Exam room has a tip jar.
* You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab
fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
* "Will you be paying in eggs or
pelts?"
* Tight budget prevents acquisition of
separate rectal thermometers.
* "Take two leeches and call me in the
morning."
* The company logo features a hand
squeezing a bleeding turnip.
* Tongue depressors taste faintly of
Fudgesicle.
* Covered post-natal care consists of
leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
* Radiation treatment for cancer patients
requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
* "Pre-natal vitamin"
prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
* Chief Surgeon graduated from University
of Benihana.
* Directions to your doctor's office
include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
* Doctor listens to your heart through a
paper towel tube.
* Only item listed under Preventive Care
feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
* Only participating Physicians are Dr.
Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
* Only proctologist in the plan is
"Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
* Plan covers only "group"
gynecological exams.
* Preprinted prescription pads that say
"Walk it off, candy ass."
* To avoid a time consuming and expensive
throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
* Recycled bandages
* You can get your flu shot as soon as the
hypodermic needle is dry.
* Your "primary care physician"
is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
* 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
* Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced
by an oversized 2-sided copier.
* Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to
face upward.
 
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