YOU MIGHT WORK IN
THE ER IF...
Copyright @ Michael Seaver,
RN, EMT-D mseaver@tsrcom.com or GoofyERRN@aol.com
* You believe 90% of people are a poor
excuse for protoplasm.
* Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet
meal seems perfectly normal to you.
* You believe a good tape job will fix
anything.
* You have the bladder capacity of five
normal people.
* You have ever wanted to reply
"yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my Mother (father, etc.) there?"
* You have ever wanted a terrorist to
deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER.
* You have ever issued a "dead head
alert."
* You have ever referred to the ER doc or
triage nurse as a "Shit magnet."
* Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
* You think caffeine should be available in
IV form.
* You have ever restrained someone and it
was not a sexual experience.
* The most commonly uttered phrase in
triage is, "What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"
* You have heard the charge nurse muttering
down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"
* When you mention vegetables you're not
referring to the food group.
* You have used the words "healthcare
reform" to strike fear in your co-worker's hearts.
* You believe that the waiting room should
be supplied with a valium salt lick.
* You play poker using ectopy on EKG
strips.
* You believe a "supreme being
consult" is your patients only hope.
* You want to order a "dumbshit
profile".
* You are totally astounded when someone
from lab speaks English.
* You have been exposed to so many X-rays
that you say, "No I don't worry about birth control... I've been irradiated."
* You believe that your patient is
demonically possessed.
* Your patient states, " I have no
idea how that got stuck in there."
* You can identify the positive teeth to
tattoo ratio.
* Your idea of a good time is a full arrest
at shift change.
* You find humor in other people's
stupidity.
* You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
* You disbelieve 90% of what you are told
and 75% of what you see.
* You have your weekends off planned a year
in advance.
* When a patient presents you with a list
of medicine allergies you automatically assume they are a drug seeker or a patient of Dr.
Solotkin.
* Your idea of comforting a child is to
place them in a papoose restraint.
* You encourage an obnoxious patient to
sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer.
* You believe that "Shallow Gene
Pool" should be a diagnosis.
* You believe the government should require
a permit to reproduce.
* You plan your dinner while performing
gastric lavage.
* You believe that "Ask-A-Nurse"
is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
* You believe that unspeakable evil will
befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered.
* You refer to Friday as "Dump
Day".
* Your diet consists of food that has
undergone more processing than most computers.
* You believe chocolate is a food group.
* When someone calls you a bastard, you
take it as a compliment.
* When you are out in public you compliment
a complete stranger on their good veins.
* You have ever referred to someone's death
as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
* You don't think a referral to Dr.
Kevorkian is inappropriate.
* You have ever referred to someone's death
as a "Celestial Discharge".
* You have ever answered a "lost
condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)
* You refer to someone in respiratory
distress as a "Smurf".
* Your idea of a really good time is
Dueling Shock Rooms.
* You have ever wanted to hold a seminar
entitled "Suicide... Getting it right".
* You believe that "Too Stupid to
Live" should be a diagnosis.
* You have ever had to leave a patients
room before you began laughing uncontrollably.
 
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