SOME HMO FAQ'S
Q) I just joined a new HMO. How
difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A) Just slightly more difficult than
choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the
doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These
doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't
worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an
office just a half a day's drive away.
Q) What does HMO stand for?
A) This is actually a variation of the
phrase "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe
Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot
if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke
with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail and referral slips, but the result remains the
same.
Q) Do all diagnostic procedures
require pre-certification?
A) No. Only those you need.
Q) What are pre-existing
conditions?
A) This is a phrase used by the
grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately
we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q) Well, can I get coverage for my
pre-existing conditions?
A) Certainly, as long as they don't require
any treatment.
Q) What happens if I want to try
alternative forms of medicine?
A) You'll need to find alternative forms of
payment.
Q) My pharmacy plan only covers
generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a
stomach ache. What should I do?
A) Poke yourself in the eye.
Q) I have an 80/20 plan with a $200
deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient
surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A) You have two choices. Your doctor can
sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you
in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill
farms or frog hatcheries.
Q) What should I do if I get sick
while traveling?
A) Try sitting in a different part of the
bus.
Q) No, I mean what if I'm away from
home and I get sick?
A) You really shouldn't do that. You'll
have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return,
and then get sick.
Q) I think I need to see a
specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner
really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A) Hard to say, but considering that all
you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q) What accounts for the largest
portion of health care costs?
A) Doctors trying to recoup their
investment losses.
Q)Will health care be any different
in the next century?
A) No, but if you call right now, you might
get an appointment by then.
HMO Memo To All
Hospital Staff
To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective immediately, this hospital will
no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12
rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to
routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds.
A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring
equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be
responsible for watching cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients
wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something or may make
arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be
available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may
wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be
combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range
of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may
also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their
final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "from" line
above, hospital administration is assuming the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator
cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and
listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.
Maintenance is being eliminated. The
hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance
books. These can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard
equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume
every other month. We already have the volume on "Basic Wiring", but if a
non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the
appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be
accommodated by only performing blood related tests on patients who are already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may
order no more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time
required by Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are
being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Photomat will
also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you
come across any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.
In view of the hot summer temperatures, the
Utilities Dept. has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office,
etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will
be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling
programs, a bin for collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each
floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to contribute
discarded produce.
Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic
production. These will be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the
only antibiotics on our HMO's formulary.
 
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