One night a man was getting very drunk in a
pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door.
However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on
the can.
"This is for ladies!" she
screamed.
The drunk waved his dick at her and said,
"So is this!"
A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign
marked: "For Men Only."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the
bartender. "We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK, "she says. "I'll
take two of them."
After noticing a beautiful young blonde
sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to
the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman, blushed and replied: "If
you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the
table, and whispered into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got
the drinks?"
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart
talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to
quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the
parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there,"
replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
There once was a 94 year old nun back in
the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of
whiskey three times a day, to relax her.
However, not to be lured into worldly
pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved
milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the
elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at
bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied.
"Never sell that cow!"
A cowboy went to the city for a little rest
and relaxation. But he didn't succeed in coping well with the complexities of city life.
At midnight, he was alone in his hotel room, jerking off.
Suddenly the door was opened by a bellhop
carrying a drink intended for the room next door. "Pardon me, sir," said the
flustered bellhop, "but where would you like me to sit your drink?"
"I didn't order no drink,"
retorted the cowboy, thinking fast. "Can't you see I'm already so drunk that I'm
taking advantage of me?"
A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a
priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an
Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American,and a Scotsman walked into a
bar.
The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is
this some sort of joke?"
Two executives, Gary and Bill, staggered
out of their company's holiday party in New York City. Bill crossed the street, while
Gary stumbled in to a subway entrance. When
Bill reached the other side, he noticed Gary emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where've you been?" Bill
slurred.
"I don't know," replied Gary,
"but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
How do you know that a female bartender is
pissed off with you?
There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What is the difference between an Irish
wedding and an Irish Funeral?
One less drunk.
How many Irish does it take to change a
light bulb?
Twenty One. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink until the room spins.
This really drunk guy walks up to a parking
meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at 60 and exclaims,
"I can't believe I lost 100 pounds!"
What's the difference between a bar and a
g-spot?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Good advice for cocktail parties: If you
can't say something nice about someone, just hold your drink and listen to others who
can't, either.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
What would you call a drunk who works at an
upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly
one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing
about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "He knows when to stop."
There was a guy who had at least 4-5 drinks
of whiskey every day of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took two
days to put out the fire!
Three old ladies are walking down the
street. They are hard of hearing.
One: "Whew, it's windy today!"
Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"
Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar!
A guy walked into a bar and sat down next
to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her
pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or
velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up
over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get
into your pants?" he asks.
"Well," she replied, "You
can start by buying me a drink."
A beer was spilt on the
barroom floor,
And the bar was closed for the night...
And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse,
Who made a funny sight...
He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor,
And back on his haunches he sat...
And all through the night you could hear him yell,
"Bring on the damn cat!"
After spending a happy evening drinking
together, two acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar, same time.
Ten years later, the first guy walks in,
looks around, and sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the old
friend's hand and cries, "The day we left, I didn't think I'd really see you
here!"
The friend looks up, stares, sways slightly
and asks, "Who left?"
A man's driving along when he's pulled over
by a cop car.
A cop approaches him and asks, "Have
you been drinking, sir?"
"Nah, why?" replies the man.
"Have I got a fat chick in my car?"
A man comes in to the room and says to his
wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."
The wife, overjoyed that he has included
her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you,
darling?"
The husband replies, "No - I'm turning
the heating off."
New studies show that women who drink tea
are twice as likely to get pregnant.
Related studies have revealed that women
who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro
with sticky hair.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the
beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the
brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better
that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
liver."
Two young Irish men were getting ready to
go on a camping trip. The first one said, "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just
in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?"
The other one said, "Two
rattlesnakes!"
A rather drunk man was walking along the
street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him,
very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to
the man's right.
After the nuns were past the man, he turned
around and said, "Now how in the hell did she do that?"
The bar was getting ready to close, so he
asked the nearest woman: "What would you say to a little "oral"
activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly
responded. "Your face, or mine?"
This small skinny dude walks up to the bar
and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, "That seat's
taken!"
The little dude sits down anyway. The big
dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the
bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan."
Next day the little dude returns, before
the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude
falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, "Tell that sucker when he
wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench from Sears."
The car sped off the highway, went through
the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A
passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed
driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped,
"Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man,
brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt
driver?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer
and the bartender asks him to pay up. The guy says he has no money, but for the beer, he
will sing through his asshole. The bartender is a little bit skeptical, but figures if the
guy can do it, it's worth a beer. He agrees and the guy gets up on a stool, drop his
pants, bends over, and then shits all over the bar. The bartender is pissed and screams,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
The guy replies, "Sorry, I was just
clearing my throat."
Starkle, starkle, little
twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call,
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.
A boy is watching television and hears the
name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that
she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His
brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid
questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus
Christ?"
The bum replies, "Well, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for
proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They
walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here
again?"
A completely inebriated man was stumbling
down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and
said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are
ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the
copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said,
"Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
Two buddies were sharing drinks while
discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let
you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend
replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"
"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a
move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."
A guy goes up to a girl in bar and asks,
"You want to play "Magic"?"
She says, "What's that?"
The guy answers, "We go to my house
and screw, and then you disappear."
There is man sitting in a bar who is
really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls
couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees
a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is
shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her
again.
This time the nun hits the pavement. The
drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the
wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by
the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, ARE YOU,
BATMAN!"
This guy goes into a bar and sees a man
pounding shots of bourbon as fast as the bartender can pour them. He watches for a while
then finally goes up to the drunk.
"What kind of a way is that to drink
good bourbon?" he asks.
"It's the only way I can drink it
since my accident," the man replies, throwing down two more shots in fast order.
"What kind of accident was that?"
The man guzzles another shot, shudders and
then answers, "I once knocked over a drink with my elbow."
An Irish guy walks into a bar. The
bartender looks him up and down and says, "Hey, you got a steering wheel on your
pecker."
The man replies, "Ay, it's driving me
nuts!"
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a
bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just
one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self conscious about his eye but got up
the nerve to ask her for a dance.
"Would you like to dance with
me?" he asked.
She replied, "Would I!" and he
sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"
A guy traveling through the prairies of the
USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a
drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke
rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into
the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like
that and I'll smash your face in!"
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain
cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible
for the herd to move at a faster pace.
Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain
cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making
the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it
will make you smarter.
Bill sat at The Local Bar, bragging about
his athletic prowess. None of the regulars challenged him, but a visitor piped up,
"I'll bet you 50 bucks that I can push something in a wheelbarrow for one block and
you can't wheel it back."
Bill looked over the skinny stranger and
decided it wasn't much of a challenge. "I'll" take you on," he said.
The two men and a number of regulars
borrowed a wheelbarrow and took it to the corner. "Now let's see what you're made
of," taunted Bill.
"Okay," said the challenger.
"Get in."
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was
beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he
whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly,
"Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two
dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly,
"What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
This guy enters a bar and orders two shots
of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand. He then orders a
second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.
The bartender sees this and becomes curious
as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.
So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey
man I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"
The man say's, "I have to get my date
drunk!"
While nursing a drink at a bar, a young
woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.He says,
"Say, honey. . . I'd really like to get into those pants o' yours."
"Thanks," she shot back,
"but I've already got an asshole in there."
Sitting at the bar, glum Roger told the
barkeeper that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement.
"Yeah," said Roger, "would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of
the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came
up?"
"No way in hell," the bartender
said.
"Well," said Roger, "neither
would my fiancée."
A guy runs into a bar and says to the
bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender
pours out the shots, and the guy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw
anybody drink that fast."
The guy replies, "Well, you'd drink
that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my God! What is
it? What do you have?" The guy says, "Fifty cents."
McNamara walked into a bar and ordered
martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the
jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who
was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman,
"My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
