MOTHER'S
DICTIONARY
AMNESIA: A condition that
enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An
opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you'd better
have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething
babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks
if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art
of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial
disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable
result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call
your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people
who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them
right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do
when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose
memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want
our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: What it's too
late for your child to do by the time you scream it
PRENATAL: When your life
was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A
contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of
water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is
more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to
your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance
required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite
reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you
should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should
never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When
the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in
words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you
have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids
that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation
that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
 
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