TALKING
TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT DRUGS
These days, pressure to do drugs is all
around, so it's vital that you reach your kids early. Here are some tips for talking to
them about marijuana and other illegal substances.
* Tell your kids that if they ever do
drugs, CIA Director William Webster will think they are losers.
* As an alternative to drugs, suggest
"cool" drug-free activities, like making a bird feeder out of a milk carton or
interviewing local seniors about what the olden days were like.
* Before engaging in any stressful
discussion with your children, take a moment to smoke a bowl or two to relax. Scare your
kids straight with the terrifying tale of the time you were 16 and did bong hits in the
back of an El Camino outside a Kansas concert.
* Explain that only lowlifes like pro
athletes and rock stars use drugs.
* Kids may ask too many questions. To save
time, just explain to them that the powder-filled balloons will keep them from getting
sick on the plane ride back to America.
* If your child must use drugs, make it a
culturally enriching experience by hiring a certified shaman to take him/her on a
traditional peyote vision quest.
* As an alternative to harmful drugs like
marijuana, encourage your kids to experiment with safe, legal substances like cigarettes
and alcohol.
* Be direct, brief, and to the point.
Remember, you only have about 45 minutes or so before the acid really starts to kick in.
* Today's kids place an emphasis on good
"vibes" in a conversational setting. Accentuate the site of your talk with
black-light posters and lava lamps. Keep the lighting dim, hanging wall-sized tie-dyes or
tapestries over exterior windows to blot out all sunlight.
* Explain to your kids that the reason they
call it "dope" is that you have to be a "dope" to use it. From then
on, the mere mention of "dope" will flood their minds with terrifying imagery of
"being a dope," scaring them off drugs forever.
* Record your conversation with your child,
then unspool, cut up and reassemble the recording at random. Use the resultant juxtaposed
fragments to predict the future in a process similar to the throwing of the I Ching.
* Ask the editors of Highlights For
Children to repeat the strip in which Goofus OD's and chokes on his own vomit in a
bathroom stall at the train station.
* Before bringing up drugs with your kids,
hook your turntables up to a wah-wah pedal.
 
|
