BARBIE AND KEN WRITE
TO SANTA
Barbie's letter to Santa...
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in
fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to you Santa, but IT'S
DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around
here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide melt down (and trust me, you won't
wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 2000. .
.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a
frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and
Velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and
off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man ... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd
take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And what's with that
earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push
the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care
whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the
surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school
teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations
senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe
"PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough
ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint
gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The
grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37
years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my
valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours Truly,
Barbie
Ken's letter to Santa...
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract,
specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding
that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion
choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other
colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything.
I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann &
Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to
change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match
at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and
reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in my career.
Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or
"Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which
could be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken",
"Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more
accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so
she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the
curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about
this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that
any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by
myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's
what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
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