WHEN
A HALLMARK JUST WON'T DO
Saw something today
That reminded me of you.
As a matter of fact it was
The shit on my shoe!
So you're taking Viagra
So you can please me...
What you need is an implant
Since your inch size is Three.
I must express my gratitude
for such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
only by your thrift.
It's clear that you spared all expense,
if you catch my drift.
Remove the anti-theft device
when you again shoplift.
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I stopped to look....
I noticed your cat.
We're sorry you now mourn the loss
of your beloved cat.
For if we had only braked in time,
it wouldn't be so flat.
It's Christmas time, and once again,
the family's gathered 'round.
Uncles, aunts, and cousins come
to raise a joyful sound.
All that is, except for you,
whom we can only send this mail.
But we'll save your gifts for fifty years
'till you get out of jail.
The frost is on the meadow,
The dew upon the grass.
Here's your stinking birthday card,
Now shove it up your ass!
I've tender thoughts and memories
of the special time we shared.
I'd never been so close to you,
for it was more than souls we bared.
But I've since come to have regrets
and wonder if we erred,
For now the sores have failed to heal,
and I'm getting really scared.
This Christmas time I give to you
a book that isn't mine.
So give it back before it's due
Or I'll have to pay a fine.
You wrecked your car
and don't remember why.
Could have been.....
That case of bud dry!
Your computer is dead.
It once was a first-rate.
Don't you regret buying......
Windows 98?
Your dog is dead.
So sorry to hear
He was chasing cars...
And caught a semi in the rear.
Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
Well don't worry about her....
She moved in with me!
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay,
Won't that be a laugh
When they find out you're one
Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
So your daughter's a hooker
And it spoiled your day
Look at the bright side
She's a really good lay.
OTHER MISCELLANEOUS
SENTIMENTS
"Congratulations on your
wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as
beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to
have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you
brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the
years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I
thinking?"
"As the days go by, I
think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing
for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum,
I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part
of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your
promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably
need it again."
"Someday I hope to get
married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work
out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look
great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."
"I knew the day would
come when you would leave me for my best friend So here's his leash, water bowl and chew
toys."
"We have been friends for
a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without
you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your
new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good
friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss
you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I
wanted to do something special for your birthday so we're having you put to sleep."
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