HALLOWEEN DRESS UP
All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous
redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept
her.
"Where's your costume?" he hissed
through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly
explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded.
"You don't even have a dick!"
"I just got here, Jeremy," she
replied. "Give me a few minutes."
A couple was going to a Halloween costume
party and the husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to
hurry or they would be late for the party. She came walking down the stairs from the
bedroom, completely naked except for a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your
costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the hell kind of costume is
that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I'm going as Puss and
Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in
about 2 minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his
penis. "What the hell kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I'm a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated,
laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case
of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."
A woman opens her front door on Halloween
night and finds a little boy in a pirate costume. "Oh, what an adorable pirate!"
she exclaims. "Where are your buccaneers?"
"Under my buccan hat," he
replies.
The guy had invited his girl to attend a
Halloween party with him and showed up at her door wearing only a pair of rollerblades.
"Uh, and just what the hell are you supposed to be?" she asked.
"What else?" he replied smiling.
"I'm a pull toy!"
An African American husband and wife were
going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the
store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the
bedroom, where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume. The husband yells at his
wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back
and get me something else I can wear."
The next day, the wife not too happy, takes
it back and returns. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the
bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you
ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the
costume party."
By this time the wife is irrate, so the
next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid
out on the bed are three items. One is three white buttons, the other is a white belt, and
the other is a 2 x 4 of wood.
The husband yells at the wife, "What
the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "You can take
your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go
as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as
an oreo cookie, and if you don't like that one, then you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass
and go as a fudge-sickle!"
A guy goes to a costume shop and says,
"I'm going to a costume party as Adam and I need a fig leaf."
The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says,
"Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says,
"Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says,
"Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you
just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.
Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up
like for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent."
Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my
door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him
some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left
my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now
I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."
One year at Halloween the governor of
Illinois was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the
doorman would announce what there characters were. When one couple arrived he announced
"Mickey and Minnie Mouse". As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan
and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening a man arrived dressed
only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.
"Who do you think you are?"
demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the
local university CS department. The doorman asked, "How shall I announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature
ejaculation"
"I'm very sorry sir" said the
doorman in obvious shock I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering.
"O.K." said the professor.
"Just say I came in my pants."
There's this man with a bald head and a
wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy Halloween dress party. He doesn't know what costume
to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the
problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with
a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because
they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of
complaint.
A week passes and he receives another
parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a
monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will
really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they
have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the
company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and
a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of
caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied
apple!"
On the night of a Halloween costume party a
couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and
stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a
lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and
then stormed out of the room himself. A few minutes passed and then he returned with a
potato around his penis.
The wife gave him a quizzical look and the
husband said, "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator."
SCARIEST HALLOWEEN
COSTUMES
* Al Gore's PRESIDENTIAL costume
* Al Gore Disco Fever costume
* Positive Home Pregnancy Test
* Jacko-Lantern
* Marge Schott's Less Attractive, Slightly More Racist Sister
* Evil British Nanny
* Janet Reno Little French Maid Outfit
* Male Pattern Baldness
* Guy Who Ate Too Much Olestra
* Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick
* President Jesse Helms
* Marv Albert, Warrior Princess
* Mighty Menstruatin' Power Ranger
* Monica Lewinsky's butt
* A USED cigar
* 93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond "dressed" as Tarzan wearing a Medicare
badge
* Attorney General Janet Reno dressed as Charles Manson
* Hillary Clinton dressed as Madonna dressed as Evita
* Pat Buchanan dressed as Detective Mark Fuhrman
* Positive Home Pregnancy Test
* Representative Newt Gingrich dressed as Dr. Kevorkian
* Senator Ted "Chappaquiddick" Kennedy dressed as a taxi driver
* Vice President Al Gore dressed as Tipper Gore
There was a costume party at a mental
hospital; the theme of the party was "war".
The first person comes up onto the stage
and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down. The second
person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again, there's applause and he
steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the
stage and says, "I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one
of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"
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