You must be surprised that I'm writing to
you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things
that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote
you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and
a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole
year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved
better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would
go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing
within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking
yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son
of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some
shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little
faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit
your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those
stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole,
just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. Fuck you,
Santa. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you fat son-of-a-bitch!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Little Johnny desperately wanted a bright
red wagon for Christmas. His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, so Johnny
decided to do them one better.
"Dear Jesus," he wrote, "If
I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will not fight with my brother Hank for a year."
Then Johnny thought, 'Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise.'
So Johnny threw away the letter and wrote another one.
"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for
Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnny thought, 'Oh, no,
that means spinach and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.'
Then Johnny had an idea. He threw away the
paper and went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he
grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he
wrapped it in newspapers then stuffed the newspapers into a grocery bag. He took the
package upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the whole works in the
farthest, darkest corner. Then he closed the closet door tightly, took a new sheet of
paper and wrote: "Dear Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
