COMPLAINTS OF MODERN
DAY VAMPIRES
* Grunge look makes it tough to tell living
from the undead.
* NutraSweet or not, fat-free blood tastes
like crap.
* Hard to get a decent puncture with latex
on your fangs.
* Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
* Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without
some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
* After 45 years of Communist rule, it's
impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
* After 100 years of trying, still can't
score with Elvira.
* No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
* With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna
clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
* No warm blood for miles around DC.
* Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein
photo shoots.
* No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a
warm body.
* Buxom wenches of old have been replaced
by aerobicized "hardbodies."
* Baboon heart makes everything taste
gamey.
* Sick and tired of being mistaken for
Keith Richards.
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