NEW
YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP
Are you sick of making the same resolutions
year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually
accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some
good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with
the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important:
like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because
everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should
eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a
really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur
for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use
monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too
small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Not eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Not believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across
thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species
diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop
1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause
the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net
connections at home.
34. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business
clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability
to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about my faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions
again.
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