SANTA IS GAY
Santa is GAY! I hate to be the one to defy
sacred myth, but I believe Santa's gay. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a straight man could possibly
pull it all off! For starters, think about the planning that goes into an event like
Christmas. Even Martha Stewart is envious.
Straight men have day jobs, so they
wouldn't have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day. But if
you're a gay, out-of-work Actor/Dancer/Waiter it's the perfect gig until you get your big
break. Also, if he were straight he would have picked a more masculine animal than the
reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happens to appeal
to Santa's inherent sense of grace and beauty. And those names: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,
Vixen? Fill in the blanks.
Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons
and he's never fathered a child with her, she's over-weight and still content... Can you
say "Fag-hag"?
Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He's
gay too! "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let
poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." (as if he wanted to). Isn't Rudolph really
a metaphor for the gay child in a straight society anyway?
Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the
traditional dessert at Christmas time? Well, now you know. And stop pretending you don't
like it. Deep down inside, you've always liked fruitcake.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a
straight man:
* Look at the size of the bag he packs for
a one night trip!
* Red velvet, fur collar, black engineer
boots... think people!
* Physically he's a wet dream for the Girth
and Mirth club and the perfect poster model for GMSMA.
* Gay men have long been using stockings to
hide their candy.
* Ho Ho / Homo... a little too similar if
you ask me.
* That long over-night flight around the
world taps into the flight attendant gene. And one more thing, did you ever know a
straight man named Nicholas? Oh, straight society has tried to butch up his image by
calling him St. Nick, but we know better. It's Nicholas, damn it! Ms. Claus if you're
nasty. Merry Christmas!
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