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SIGNS SANTA DOESN'T LIKE YOUR KID

* Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

* Kid asks for new bike, gets a pack of smokes.

* Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

*By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are Styrofoam peanuts.

* Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

* Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.

* Sends him off on a Carnival Cruise with Kathie Lee.

* First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."

* Labels on all your kid's toys read, "Straight from Craptown."

* Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

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