THE TWELVE DAYS OF
CHRISTMAS
DAY 1
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman
delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift.
I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and
devotion,
Agnes
DAY 2
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet
gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
DAY 3
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I
really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.
They are just darling but I must insist,
you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
DAY 4
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling
birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough.
You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
DAY 5
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman
delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love
it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were
beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
DAY 6
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually
6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge. Where will I ever
keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
DAY 7
John:
What's with you and those f*cking birds? 7
swans a-swimming. What damned kind of joke is this? There's bird shit ALL over the
house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous
wreck. It's not funny!! So stop with those f*cking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
DAY 8
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell
am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids
a-milking, but they had to bring their damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn
and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass!!
Agnes
DAY 9
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now
there's 9 pipers playing. And hell's bell's do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
They cows are getting upset, and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours!
Agnes
DAY 10
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know
why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you!!
ONE MAD BITCH
DAY 11
Listen F*ckhead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those
maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine!!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of
12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to
our attention.
If you should ATTEMPT to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to SHOOT you on
sight.
With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
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