RULES
FOR DRIVING IN THE D.C. METRO AREA
* A right lane construction closure is just
a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in
the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting
construction barrels.
* Turn signals are just clues as to your
next move in road battle so never use them.
* Under no circumstances should you leave a
safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If
you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.
* The faster you drive through a red light,
the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
* Never get in the way of a car that needs
extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance; he might not have much to lose, you
do.)
* Braking is to be done as hard and late as
possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks to give you a nice relaxing
foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
* Construction signs tell you about road
closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.
* The electronic traffic warning system
signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make DC look progressive.
* Never pass on the left when you can pass
on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
* Speed limits are arbitrary figures to
make our nation's Capitol look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are
given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
* Just because you're in the left lane and
have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Beltway driver flashing his high
beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
* Please remember that there is no such
thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in downtown DC.
* Always slow down and rubberneck when you
see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the
innocent breakdown victim get mugged, the proceeds of which are vested directly into the
Democratic front runner's campaign for mayor.
* Learn to swerve abruptly. The DC Metro
area is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to VDOT, who put potholes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
* It is traditional in DC to honk your horn
at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The city was founded upon such
traditions.
* Seeking eye contact with another driver
revokes your right of way.
* Giving the finger may invite armed
retaliation.
* All unmarked exits lead to Southeast DC.
 
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