VACATION
ITINERARY
DAY ONE
6:00 am: Get up early. Shower, shave, dance
naked with the curtains open.
6:15 am: Put on my really cool, plaid,
wrinkle-free suit. Hide the bodies and wipe off any possible finger prints.
6:30 am: Eat a half-rack of spare ribs and
chug a pint of day old Yoo-Hoo. Lock the dog in a small, unlit closet with no food or
water.
6:45 am: Leave a dead fish in the mailbox.
Depart for the airport.
7:30 am: Check my bags. Chain smoke in the
airport lavatory.
8:00 am: Board the plane. Scare the guy
sitting next to me by stuffing my hands into my pants and yelling "down boy!"
8:15 am: Collect everyone's airsick bags
and weave them into a sexy nightie. Buzz the flight attendant and offer her a can of
cocktail weenies.
8:30 am: Take off for Disneyland.
9:00 am: Use my laptop to send
"messages from space" to the cockpit. Scream "There's a man on the wing of
this plane!" over and over until someone gives me a Valium.
9:05 am: Sleep, perchance to dream.
7:00 pm: Land at LAX Leave a special
"ticking package" in the airplane lavatory.
7:15 pm: Be the first one off the plane by
declaring that the kidney in my carry on bag must be delivered by sundown.
7:25 pm: While exiting the plane, announce
to the folks waiting to transfer "Damn that captain can put away some tequila!"
7:30 pm: Club an airport employee and steal
his golf cart. Claim someone else's luggage.
7:45 pm: Hail a cab. When the driver says
"Where to?", wink and ask to go back to his place.
7:50 pm: Get some ice for my head wound.
Walk to the hotel.
8:30 pm: Check in at the hotel. Go to the
hotel bar and stuff beer nuts into my nose until asked to leave.
8:45 pm: Strip down to my dainty
underthings and hang out in the lobby. Beg for change in the lobby until asked to leave.
9:00 pm: Pee in the fountain. Proposition
the bell hops. Go to my room.
9:15 pm: Unpack.
9:30 pm: Toss the TV over the balcony. 10
pts if it lands in the pool. 50 pts if I kill a pedestrian. 100 pts if I kill a swimming
pedestrian.
9:45 pm: Sing to my toothbrush. Cut eye
holes in the bed linens and "haunt" the adjoining guest rooms.
9:50 pm: Use C4 and fishing line to set
trip wires for the maid.
10:00 pm: Put on my golf shoes and very
little else. Find the roughest cowboy bar in town.
10:30 pm: Drink a shot of Jagermeister for
every letter of the Chinese alphabet. Walk from person to person in the bar, point to
someone else and say: "You gonna let him talk about your mom like that?"
10:35 pm: Leave quickly and quietly.
11:00 pm: Return to the hotel. Call room
service and order poached eggs for everyone on my floor.
11:15 pm: Hide in the hallway and taunt
passers by with my anatomically correct sock puppets.
11:30 pm: Do unspeakable things to myself
with a hand mixer until the wee hours of the morning.
3:00 am: Sleep...for tomorrow is another
day.
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