CONTRACT
FOR A WIFE
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a
marriage proposal, agree that...
Section 1. In the unlikely
event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped
away for five whole minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall
politely fake one.
Section 1.01. And
it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So this is what
hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed
with a pin.
Section 1.02. I will
never ask for more foreplay.
Section 2. I fully
understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you
stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex
scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't
there.
Section 3. Whenever my
friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better
hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01. I
shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02. And I
will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4. After sex
(which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle
me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01. I will
never, ever give your penis a cute nickname.
Section 5. In bed, I will
be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I
do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01. I will
ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the
slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car
keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02. I
promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually
desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to
proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03. I
promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew
melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04. I
promise to shave every possible inch of my body, and will always love your weekend
beard...
Section 6. After we split
up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have
ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform
them that you have "ruined me for other men."
Section 7. I understand
that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond
the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate
them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical.
Section 7.01. With the
exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove,
refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this
relationship contract.
Signed
_____________________________(female)
Date _______________________________
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