100
REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY
1. Phone conversations are over in 30
seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one
suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friend's
sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent
shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether
you lost or gained weight.
10. Drycleaners and haircutters don't rob
you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels you
don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your butt is never a factor in job
interviews.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible
to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
(Unless you smash them into the boards.)
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful
stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a
support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't
have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest
act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of
Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you
swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in
10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your
reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to
something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading
Championship.
34. You don't have to shave below your
neck.
35. None of your coworkers has the power to
make you cry.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a
hairy butt every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even
notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing
contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay
its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president. (In this
lifetime.)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from
the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other
people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90 percent
of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water
park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than
enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware
store.
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my
balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your
universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke
when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot
day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment
if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal
from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone
notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with your
buddy without ever thinking, 'He must be mad at me.'
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous
statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic
area.
64. One mood, all the time!
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without
starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another
gas station because this one's just too sleazy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a
beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no
matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work ... more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add to your
character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to
make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental:
$75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking
about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you
could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours
alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when
you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without
having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal
showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy
relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the
shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're
"freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you
say you will, he won't tell your other friend you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with
the handy phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in
the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another
obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is
practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual
opportunity because you are not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small
dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work,
you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut and mangle
your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind
in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's
birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude
having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap
you with, "So ... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch.
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
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