HOW
TO GROW A BIG PENIS
When I'm in the showers I get pissed of by
people constantly asking me "How did you get such a big manhood?" Shamed by
their shriveled up two inch long snakes they often ask me for advice, and so I've decided
to help all guys out there and tell you how to grow a big willie to impress the girls
with.
DOES SIZE MATTER?
Well, put it this way, the vagina is on
average four inches deep. And so in theory anything bigger than that will be more than
enough. But in practice when you listen in to girls talking (he he) they sure ain't
talking about the size of bananas in the trees.
HOW DO I GROW IT THEN?
Well, don't shove it in a pile of horse
shit - It ain't a plant you know. So here are the methods;
THE TRADITIONAL WAY
This is the way Amazon Tribes and some
African tribes use to make their willies big. It works best when the person is still very
young - but will still work no matter what your age. What you do is attach a heavy rock or
stone to a piece of rope/string - whatever, then hang the heavy stone from your willie.
Walking about with a heavy stone hanging from your willie may hurt it but it really does
stretch it. That's why the tribes mentioned have used this method for thousands of years.
THE SCIENTIFIC WAY
Way One... As everyone knows the human body
is just a load of chemicals bunched together. Genes determine the height of a person - but
they can also determine the size of your willie. So if daddy has a tiny willie you can
expect the same too. But don't cry yet. Scientists using growth hormones can alter the
height of a person to make them taller than they would have been. In the same way they can
also give you doses of testosterone and other hormones to make your willie bigger than it
would have been if nature had taken its course. As far as I'm aware this method only
really works well in children.
THE OPERATION
By this I DON'T mean transplanting the
penis from a well endowed man who has died to you. In the U.S.A. an operation can be done
to lengthen your willie. It costs approximately 7000 dollars. It can make you longer by
anything from three quarters of an inch to two inches. What they do is snip the suspensory
ligaments which attaches the penis to your body, which allows the penis to hang freely and
subsequently lengthens it. They also inject fat from your body into the penis making it
thicker too. You're still able to get a proper hard-on and the doctor who performs the
operation (who was speaking on "This Morning" on ITV) said that out of the
thousands of operations he has performed only one or two were unsatisfactory in that they
didn't make the willies grow longer.
Certain steroids can boost this operation
in childhood too. The operation also works best in childhood - but will still work okay in
older men. So if you have children and you want them to have massive willies then get the
operation done on them and give them growth hormones and voila!
SHORT BACK AND SIDES
If you don't have the stomach for an
operation and you don't fancy the idea of walking about with a heavy stone on your willie
then you could always shave some of the pubic hair from around your willie to make the
shaft look longer.
THE EXTENSION KIT
Yep, that's right. You can get a plastic
thing that attaches onto the end of your manhood. They're usually about two inches long
and can be found advertised in the adverts of most porn mags. But don't blame me if it
falls off halfway through doing it (the extension I mean).
THE DEVELOPER
Hmmm, bit dodgy this one. Penis developers,
like extension kits, can be found in the pages of most porno mags. What they are is a tube
in which you place your prized organ into, then you use a pump to pump it around your
willie nice n tight so as to stretch it (I think it works just like the pump when you're
getting your blood pressure taken).
THE LAST RESORT
If all else fails all you can hope for is a
miracle. Start praying and attending church regularly. If this fails take a trip to
Lourdes in France and bathe in the holy water.
BUT WHAT IF THAT FAILS TOO?
Then you can start crying! You'll just have
to make do with a small willie. The best advice I can offer you is to find yourself a
virgin who hasn't been stretched like a train tunnel. She'll have tight pussy muscles
which haven't been made loose by ugly looking men and so she won't need a big willie to
fill her up. She'll also not know what the average size of a mans penis is (having never
seen one) and so she will just accept it as normal sized.
BUT HOW DO I KNOW IF IT DOESN'T
MEASURE UP?
According to various articles I came across
in my research the average length of a willie is anything between five and six and a half
inches. So if you're shorter than that start worrying... I'm not a poof so I don't go
around measuring peoples willies, so we will just have to take those magazine articles
word for it!
Well that's all for now folks. Remember to
try the methods, but remember the old saying that "Size isn't everything" too
(As long as you've got a big willie).
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