A MAN'S ANSWERS TO
EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to
your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average
life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE
AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you
honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met
you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm
fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and
memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our
memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH
THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust
"junior" and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public
is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH
STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of
fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too
if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH
RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it
because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so
much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR
FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so
hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we
feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I
get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN
AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there
is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand
lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave...
Must go find wildebeest...Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a
whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY
WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting
muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without
getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for
extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to
sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their
sons. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is
that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE
YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to
be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most
men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU"
WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well,
some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually
still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to
answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that
you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP
AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us
that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING
AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of
courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not,
its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women
gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and
hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?
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