SHORT MEN &
MARRIAGE JOKES
A married couple was celebrating their 60th
wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay
married so long in this day and age.
The husband responded "When we were
first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife
would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to
make a major decision."
During a recent vacation in Atlantic City,
a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from
the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the
magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, she yelled back,
"Ok, then. Just tell my husband!"
A man makes a suggestion to his wife,
"Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
His wife responds with, "Yes, I would
really like that. Tonight, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the couch and
watch TV."
"Darling," whispered a frail
little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not
a medical doctor?" asked his wife.
The husband replied, "Because I work
like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow!"
A woman was chatting with her next-door
neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of
unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars?
That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper
thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Adam and Eve must have had a great
marriage. Adam couldn't talk about his Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention all the
men she could/should have married.
Seen on the warning label of Midol PMS:
"Do not take this product, unless directed by a doctor, if you have difficulty in
urination due to enlargement of the prostate gland." If I had a prostate and needed
Midol PMS, I think I'd be worried about more than drug side effects...
Three bachelors were kidding Lou, the
married man among them. "You've been hitched five years now, Lou, how come you have
no children?" asked one of them. Then trying to make a bad pun he added, "Is
your wife UNBEARABLE?"
"Or," said another guy, "Is
she INCONCEIVABLE?"
"Maybe she's IMPREGNABLE," joked
the third man.
"No, boys you're all wrong,"
lamented Lou. "My wife is INSURMOUNTABLE and INSCRUTABLE!"
The most recent survey on women showed that
10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15% preferred
muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between.
Now there's a new organization of ladies
who say that they want to pay their own way on dates; who say that they don't expect
expensive gifts on their birthdays; and they say that they don't want men to give them
their seats on the bus.
The group's called "Women's Fib."
Bill had just returned from a week of
honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went.
"The first night we did it nine
times," Bill said. "The second night, eight times. The third night, seven times.
The fourth night, six times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and
the last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked.
"How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a
marshmallow in a parking meter?"
The friends of the bride decided to give
the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag
wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed
that evening.
Before they gave the recorded tape to her,
they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness!
That's happiness!" But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were
playing the tape at the wrong speed. When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch,
they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a
penis?!"
A little kid was sitting in the middle of
the kitchen floor, looking very ill. His father was reading the empty bottle which must
have contained what the boy had swallowed.
He yelled at his wife, "Noreen! It
says to induce vomiting! Come in here and take your clothes off!"
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any
woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent
sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one is
cooking and the other is cleaning.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to
speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in
court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying
for years."
Morty was in his usual place that morning,
sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a
beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for
his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his
face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive
wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you,
dear!"
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to
go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never
been!"
I told her, "How about the
kitchen?"
Frank, Judy's husband, is drowning. The
lifeguard swims out, drags him in, puts him on the edge of the shore, and starts pumping
his arms, and out comes fish and clams and seaweed and ...
Judy comes walking along and says,
"Hey, you better get that asshole out of the water - you're gonna empty the
ocean!"
A journalist had done a story on gender
roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women
customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently
and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an
explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land
mines."
A woman reported the disappearance of her
husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him,
questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found
him.
"Yes," she quickly replied.
"Tell him mother didn't come after all."
Wife: "Why can't my mother move in
with us?"
Husband: "Because the Bible says I
can't!"
Wife: "Show me where it says
that!"
Husband: "Right here, see. No man can
serve two masters!"
"Hello darling," breathed the
obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of
the action."
"Listen Dude," drawled the lil'
Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested!"
A guy came home early and found his wife in
bed with another man. "What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband.
"See," the wife said to the man
lying beside her, "Didn't I tell you he doesn't know a thing about sex?"
A pompous gentleman once asked the
sharp-tongued actress, Mrs. Patrick Campbell, "Why do you suppose it is that women so
utterly lack a sense of humor?"
"God did it on purpose," Mrs.
Campbell answered without batting an eyelash, "so that we may love you men instead of
laughing at you."
Last night I was in a rare tender mood. I
made love to my wife and afterward held her close. "I love you terribly," I
whispered.
"You certainly do," was her
reply.
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench
complaining about their husbands.
"My husband's losing his mind,"
one lady said. "Last week he went out and spent $400 for a waterbed."
"That sounds exciting," the other
lady said.
"Exciting, hell," the first old
lady said. "The way my husband's thing has been reacting the last few years, that
waterbed might as well be the Dead Sea."
When a man died, his wife put the usual
death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know
very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night
and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for
posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
The wife coyly tried to explain her
purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she
said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied.
"Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
A man went to the doctor complaining of
insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically
wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia,
you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but
I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
The lady complained to her husband,
"Why don't you buy me a fur coat? I'm always so very, very cold!"
"If you already knew the answer,"
he replied, "then why did you ask me the question?"
"Ever since we got married, my wife
has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all
hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because
she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so
improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
As a senior at St. Cloud State University
in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about
male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about
whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics
when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more
than women.
"You're right, Steve," she said.
"Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping,
their laundry."
A young lady came home and told her mother
that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was
an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway dear," the
mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is!"
When you grow old
And your balls grow cold
And the tip of your dick turns blue
and you fiddle and diddle
And it bends in the middle
Your through you bastard
Your through!
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home
they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women
hate in a man, they love in a cat.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to
buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to
get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says.
"He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
Two women were discussing their sex lives,
when one asked: "Do you know where I can get six black hens?"
The other looked bemused and replied:
"Six black hens! Why do you want six black hens?"
Her friend replied: "Because my
husband's got a dead cock and I want to use them as pall bearers!"
The husband was furious when he found out
the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's
my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?"
yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained,
"You've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."
"I got married", said the first
tavern regular, "So that I could have sex 3, 4 or 5 times a week."
"That's very ironic," said the
second regular. "That's exactly why I got divorced."
This guy is walking with his friend. He
says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend replies "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my
stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep
depression!"
After a few years of being married, the
wife surprised her husband with a new car, a pinky ring and other wonderful gifts to
celebrate their anniversary.
When the wife asked what he bought, he
replied, a new sable coat, a vacation and a big surprise. He opened his robe and showed
her that he had tattooed the words "I Love You" on his penis.
To which the wife replied, "I don't
care what you say, but don't try putting words in my mouth."
THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN
A man is driving up a steep, narrow
mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman
leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window
and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the
man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
A husband and wife were shopping when the
wife said, "Darling, it's my Mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?
She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a
chair?!?"
A eight year boy asked his father what is
the difference with an old time panty and a nowadays panty. His father told him that from
his experience the only suitable answer he could give him was that you had to move the
panty to see the ass a long time ago but now you have to move the ass to see the panty!
"I was married 3 times,"
explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry
again. My first two wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my third wife died of a
fractured skull."
"That's a shame," said his
friend. "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
The woman applying for a job in a Florida
lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman,
"Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!"
she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if
he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The
Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to
put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
The three fastest means of communication:
Telephone
Television
Tell-a-woman
A man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and
says, "You're single aren't you?"
The man replies very sarcastically,
"How did you guess?"
She replies, "Because you are so damn
ugly!"
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in
some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of
six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife
"Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.
One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided
it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of
Six?"
His irritated wife hollered back, "Any
time you're ready, Father of Four."
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to
his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me
over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind,"
the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he
replied.
Ad seen in paper:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or
best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the
bar and staring into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked,
"Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for
fifteen years."
A middle-aged guy says to his wife,
"You should go bra-less."
She says, "Do you think my breasts are
still perky enough?"
He says, "No, but maybe it'd pull the
wrinkles out of your face."
A dietitian was once addressing a large
audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product
I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said,
"Wedding cake?"
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed
couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot.
Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital.
"Mother," she sobbed, "My
husband has only one foot."
The mother, trying to console her daughter
said, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."
"Congratulations my boy!" said
the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day
of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until
tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle.
"That's exactly what I mean."
At the card shop: A woman was spending a
long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I
help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman.
"Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
A construction worker came home just in
time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to
the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then
he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP!
STOP! You're not going to cut it off, are you???"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge
in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all
his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in
the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to
return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his
wife.
"What a terrible weather today
honey," he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot husband went
fishing!"
A man wakes up his wife during the night
with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other. She asks, "What's
this for?"
"This is for your headache," he
says.
She says, "But I don't have a
headache."
He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"
A man parked his car at the supermarket and
was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want
that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only
after one thing."
As he walked toward the store, he heard her
murmur, "Typical male."
A guy came home from work, "Honey,
where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife
answered.
"I told you never to talk like
that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called
out, "good grammar or good taste?"
Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I
killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."
"How could you tell them apart,
Joe?" asked Charlie.
Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3
males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the phone."
A husband stepped on one of those penny
scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his
wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful
and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded,
"and it has your weight wrong, too."
"Are you and Larry serious?" the
one girl asked her friend while they were talking over cocktails.
"We're still a little short of a
meeting of the minds," she replied. "I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding,
and he wants a quickie in the back seat."
"I must take every precaution not to
get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had
a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take
every precaution."
This guy's in the rear of a full elevator
and he shouts, "Ballroom please."
A lady standing in front of him turns
around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
The Smiths were dining out when his wife
noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed
the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven
years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no
one celebrates that much!"
This man is at work one day when he notices
that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense."
"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into
earrings."
"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob
sheepishly.
"Really? How long have you been
wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our
bed."
There was a woman who was divorcing her
husband on the grounds of "hobosexuality."
"Don't you mean 'homosexuality'?"
her friend asked.
"No, hobosexuality. He's a bum
fuck."
Nature has many laws that hold fast and
true. For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon
will become an adult baboon. A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig. A baby jackass
will always become a jackass. A puppy quickly matures into a dog; a mongrel pup develops
into a cur.
Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may
grow-up to be any one of these.
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man
happened to pull up beside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So ...
out looking for a little, huh?"
She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I
had 6 years of that with you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"
Roger was fed up with his wife, so he
packed up his stuff and moved into the garage. Although he couple seldom spoke, he
continued to mow the lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the
meals, vacuumed and did the laundry.
Months later, Roger met his friend Don for
drinks. "Things don't seem to be working out any better," Don remarked.
"Why don't you just move out?"
"Well, if you really want to know the
truth," Roger explained, "she makes such a damn good neighbor."
Worried about their less than exciting sex
life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self
hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.
However, she could not help but notice that
each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for
several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.
There, in front of the mirror, she found
him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my
wife...She's not my wife..."
One evening, after a discussion in social
studies, my brother asked my dad, "Why isn't a man allowed to have more than one
wife?"
My dad's answer earned him a laugh from my
brother and a night on the couch, "Because the law protects those who are incapable
of protecting themselves."
Rex's barn burned down and his wife, Susan,
called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn
insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a
minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what
was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan
replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy,
how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know,
son, I'm still paying for it."
A man said his credit card was stolen, but
he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an
angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet,
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut
off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why
should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving
tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
Wife: "There's trouble with the car.
It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the
car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting
in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so
outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am.
That's why she cuts the grass!"
Overheard: "Has your husband lived up
to all the things he said before you were married?"
"No, He's only lived up to one of
them."
"Which one was that?"
"He said he wasn't good enough for
me."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able
to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong
with me."
"Well, in plain English," the
doctor replied, "You're lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now
give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
A frustrated wife decided her sex life
needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless
panties. She went home and donned the new garment, then selected a short skirt to go with
it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they
had a drink. She slowly spread her legs.
"Honey, would you like some of
this?" she asked enticingly.
"Hell no!" he gasped, "Look
what it's done to your underwear!"
A young couple on the brink of divorce
visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds,
"My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and
inquires, "Is that true?"
The husband replies, "Well not
exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent,
self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess,
"I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from
you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my
mom, and you can hold down a full time job, prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog
legs, she laughed to herself and said, "I don't freaking think so!!"
It is two o'clock in the morning and a
husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the
phone and says, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" He
promptly slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was
that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know, it
was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
This guy goes into a tattoo shop and
requests to have a $100 dollar bill tattooed on his pecker. The tattoo artist asks why in
the hell he wants that on his pecker.
The guy replies that he likes to play with
his money, likes to watch his money grow and best of all, his wife can blow a $100 bucks
without leaving the house.
A couple comes upon a wishing well. The
wife leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The husband decides to make a wish,
too. But he leans over too much, falls into the well and drowns. Stunned, the wife smiles
broadly and exclaims, "It really works!"
A cowboy and his new bride ask the hotel
desk clerk for a room. "Congratulations on your wedding!" the clerk says.
"Would you like the bridal, then?"
"Naw, thanks," says
the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."
Attending a wedding for the first
time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in
white?"
"Because white is the color of
happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a
moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and
I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right
now, you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
blah,blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
A lady sought out a fortune teller. The
fortune teller tells her, "Be prepared for widowhood. Your husband will soon die a
violent death."
The lady asked, " Will I be
acquitted?"
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique
shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she
playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of
light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her
husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers
and says, "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again,
there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
This guy was taking a course in human
sexuality. The instructor was going through various things in the Kinsey report, and the
class members gasped audibly when she read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in
a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was
she?".
A female voice followed with, "The
hell with that...who was *HE*?"
An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students
to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her
man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed,
the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife
turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow
and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries
to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A man rushes into his house and yells to
his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the state
lottery!"
Martha replies, "Should I pack
for warm weather or cold?"
The man says, "I don't
care. Just as long as you're out of the house by noon."
A man and his wife enter a dentist's
office. The wife says, "I want a tooth pulled. Don't use gas or Novocain
because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman,"
says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth is it."
The wife turns to her husband and
says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
"It's just to hot to wear clothes
today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your
money."
While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to
take a ride on the Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she took a
spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the woman was thrown out.
She landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
He gasped and bent down. "Are
you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she
replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."
Two men are playing golf when a funeral
procession passes by on the street next to the green. One of the men takes off his hat and
holds it over his heart. When the procession has passed, the other man says,
"That was a nice gesture."
"Well," the first guy
says, "After twenty years of marriage, it was the least I could do for
her."
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decided to give his wife a
gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever!"
Later the furious wife bought a return
present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at
last!"
The judge was talking to Minnie Mouse from
the bench."Mrs. Mouse, I have listened to all of the evidence and I can not agree
with you that your husband, Mickey Mouse is CRAZY. I can not grant you a divorce on those
grounds."
"CRAZY? I didn't say he was
CRAZY!" said Minnie.
"I said he was fucking Goofy!"
An old man goes into the Social Security
Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to
prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and
they except that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the
check and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there,
pull down your pants and see if you can get disability!"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked
after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed
a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV
remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my
husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I
could do to him."
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the
front office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house cleaning at
home tomorrow and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and
hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the
boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith
"I knew I could count on you!"
The man approached the very beautiful woman
in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the
supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a a
beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Two women were talking, when
one said to the other: "Do you ever talk to your husband when you're making
love?"
"Yeah," replied the second, "But only when he telephones!"
When a concerned wife called him at home
for the third time, the doctor lost his patience. "There isn't a damn thing wrong
with your husband," he said. "I've checked him out thoroughly and he only thinks
he's sick."
A week later the woman ran into the
physician on the street. "How's your husband?" he asked.
"Terrible," the woman replied.
"Now he thinks he's dead."
The angry wife met her husband at the
door. There was alcohol on his breath, and lipstick on his cheek. "I
assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to
come waltzing in a six o'clock in the morning!"
"There is," he
replied. "Breakfast."
While giving a physical, the doctor noticed
that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises. "Tell me," said
the doctor, "Do you play hockey or soccer?"
"Neither," said the man. "My
wife and I play bridge."
The morning after their honeymoon, the wife
says to her husband, "You know, you're a really lousy lover."
The husband replies, "How would you
know after only 30 seconds?"
A wife, one evening, drew her
husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple?
How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do
that?"
"I would love to,"
replied the husband, "But I don't know her well enough."
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd
just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it buddy," he said.
"It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say,"
answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in
bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says,
"I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
  
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