MEN & MARRIAGE
ONE-LINERS
Shotgun wedding = A case of wife or death.
What's the difference between a man and a
chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching his ass... and the other is a chimpanzee.
The reason I turned down an extramarital
affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.
My wife tends to leave well enough alone.
Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.
What is most embarrasing thing that can
happy to a man?
Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking his nose.
My mother-in-law told me exercise helps her
burn off the calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.
Why do men wear hair gel and aftershave?
Because they're often under increasing pressure from a society which over simplifies the
process of ascertaining ones worth and attractiveness by reducing someone down to
individual physical attributes OR is it because they're ugly and they smell bad?
Why can't little girls fart?
They don't get assholes till they're married.
What's the similarity between a man and an
uppercase Q?
They're both big fat zeroes with little dicks hanging off them.
Women are unpredictable. Before marriage,
she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
In the beginning, God created earth and
rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God
nor man has rested.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-laws.
A person receives a telegram informing
about his mother-in-law's death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt.
He replies, 'Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.'
The wife wants to try the missionary
position. She's on top while I'm in Africa.
How do you keep your husband from reading
your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."
Never do housework. No man ever made love
to a woman because the house was spotless.
A woman posted a personal ad that read,
"Husband wanted". The next day she received hundreds of letters. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine!!"
Man: "I know how to please a
woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
At the cocktail party, one woman said to
another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his
wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The wife replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What's the difference between a man & a
chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly & always scratching its ass, and the other is a chimpanzee.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to
pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Man: "If I could just see you naked,
I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a
temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Why do men talk so dirty?
So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
How many men does it take to put the toilet
seat down?
Nobody knows. It's never happened.
Why did God create women?
He realized he made a mistake the first time.
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four men watching a football game.
What do you call a woman without an
asshole?
Divorced.
Why do so many women fake orgasms?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why did the tribes in Israel wander the
desert for forty years?
Because even back then, men wouldn't stop to ask directions.
What's a man's idea of helping with the
housework?
Lifting his legs so she can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and
childbirth?
One is an almost unbearable pain and the other involves having a baby.
Why do men tend to name their penises?
They want to be on a first name basis with anything that makes 95% of their decisions for
them.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed
appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it
anyway!
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of
those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have when you have two little
balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind
their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in
America?
A tourist.
When you want a man to play with you, wear
a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure it's uncomfortable, but it
makes you look just like his remote control.
Why don't woman have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Did you hear about the new "morning
after pill" for men?
It changes their blood type.
Why do men snore when they lay on their
backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
What do you call a woman who can suck a
golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
Darling.
Men are always whining about how we're
suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing
hard enough on the pillow!
Husband: "Shall we try a different
position tonight?"
Wife: "That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa
and fart. "
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in
common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
If men can run the world, why can't they
stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
around your neck?
Why do bald guy's have holes in their
pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.
What do men and diapers have in common?
They are always on your ass and full of shit.
I married Mister Right. I just didn't know
his first name was Always.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case,
it was damned near impossible.
Why do men call women birds?
Because of all the worms we pick up.
Husband: "Will you love me when I grow
old and overweight?"
Wife: "Yes I do."
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right
after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than
for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap
opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs
are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
Ever notice how many of women's problems
can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology,
HIMmorrhoids
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
Why are married women heavier than single
women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
Why do men have legs?
So their brains don't drag on the ground.
"You and your husband don't seem to
have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did
you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites
attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in
common?
Men always miss them.
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
What should you give a man who has
everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their mates
after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because men are pigs.
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What's the definition of a male chauvinist
pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Why do women pay more attention to their
appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
How do you know when your wife is a lousy
cook?
She uses the smoke detector as a timer.
What's the difference between a man and a
lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.
What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.
What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
How can you tell good mushrooms from bad
ones?
Serve them to your mother-in-law. If she drops dead, they're good!
Did you hear about the man who got caught
masturbating while on board a commercial airliner?
He was arrested for skyjacking!
How are men like vacations?
They never seem to be long enough!
How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
What food describes most men?
Jerky.
Men will brag that there are women waiting
by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
Women working at 900 numbers.
How is a man like a used car?
Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.
Where is the best place in a book store to
find a man who is handsome, a good lover, and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too
Much" a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers.
What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why would women be better off if men
treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever
came first.
What is the difference between men and
pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why is it so hard for women to find men
that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because all those men already have boyfriends.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a
man?
$3.99 a minute.
What is the definition of "making
love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks
he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.
What's the difference between a husband and
a boyfriend?
About forty-five minutes.
How many men does it take to shingle a
roof?
It depends on how thin you slice them.
Why did God create men?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep
with any of them.
If they can put a man on the moon - they
should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a
pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - its too
little to be let out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well -
they never mature anyway.
Never marry a man for money. You'll have to
earn every penny.
Men are all the same - they just have
different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has
missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
How does a man show that he is planning for
the future?
He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So they can think with an open mind.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
Come in eight flavors.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical
male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different
than being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them.
Guy, naked in front of the mirror:
'Two inches more, and I would be king!" Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be
queen!"
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
What's the difference between pregnant
women and men?
One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.
The best way to get a man to do something
is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real
eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a
mental hospital.
If he asks you if you're faking it tell him
no, you're just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he's your first tell
him, "You may be, you look familiar."
The main point of having a boyfriend is so
that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend."
The most effective way to remember your
wife's birthday is to forget it once.
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is
improving.
What's the difference between getting a
divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
There was a lady who said, "I never
knew what happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late!"
They say that when a man holds a woman's
hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we
know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who told his love that
he would go through hell for him. They got married - and now she is going through HELL!
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a single
40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about
dating them.
Man: "I want to give myself to
you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Women dream of world peace, a safe
environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Why don't men often show their true
feelings?
Because they don't have any.
How can you tell if a man is excited?
He's breathing.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach every time a bikini goes by.
What do men consider foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold
medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
What would get your man to put down the
toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to
fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions!
Then there was a woman who said, "I
never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
What do you call a man who has lost 99% of
his brain?
A widower.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What do ceramic tile and men have in
common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
How do you grow your own dope?
Plant a man.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What do you call a man who expects to have
sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at
singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
What's a man's definition of a romantic
evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a
candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do you instantly know about a
well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as
one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
There's a husband who calls his wife an
angel. That's because she's always flying around the house harping about something.
Did you hear about the baby born with male
and female organs?
A penis *and* a brain.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of
the penis called?
The man.
Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm
white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.
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