What would happen if suddenly, magically,
men could menstruate and women could not? The answer is clear: menstruation would become
an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event. Men would brag about how long and how much.
Boys would mark the onset of menses, that
longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.
Congress would fund a National Institute of
Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.
Sanitary supplies would be federally funded
and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such
as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammad Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields -
"For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake
Maxi-Pads.)
Military men, right-wing politicians, and
religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation (MENstruation) as proof that only men
could serve in the army (you have to give blood to take blood), occupy political office
(can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?), be
priests and ministers (how could a woman give her blood for our sins), or rabbis (without
the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean).
Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and
mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman
could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month
(you MUST give blood for the revolution), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues,
or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.
Street guys would brag (I'm a three-pad
man) or answer praise from a buddy (Man, you are lookin' good) by high-fiving and saying,
"Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!" TV shows would treat the subject at length. (Happy
Days: Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz,"
though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS
MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and
Redford in "Blood Brothers!")
Men would try to convince women that
intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be
said to fear blood and therefore life itself ----though probably only because they needed
a good menstruating man.
Of course, male intellectuals would offer
the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that
demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that
in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets -- and thus for measuring
anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate
for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic
death-and-resurrection every month?
Liberal males in every field would be kind
to women: the fact that "these people" have no gift for measuring life or
connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough.
