OIL
CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS
WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and
leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MEN:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a
check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and
scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is
full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking
for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and
drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get
hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is
draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips
screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out
from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on
oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to
apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into
engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the
whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on
frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because
wrench hit Miss December 1992.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack
stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift
(AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car.
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