HOW
TO BE A SUCCESSFUL MAN
Never thrust your sickle into another man's
corn.
Don't spread your blanket where a cat's
been digging.
Don't skinny-dip with snapping turtles.
Never give up. And never, under any
circumstances, face the facts.
Never drive through a small Southern town
at 100 mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year old daughter on your lap.
Never use the words "large" or
"size" with "rear end" when referring or speaking to a woman.
Never invoke the gods unless you really
want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
Never, I say NEVER, pee onto an electric
fence.
Don't wear polyester to a weenie roast.
Cow chips need to dry out for a spell
before you toss them.
Don't go hunting with a fellow named
Chug-A-Lug.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when
the organ grinder is in the room.
Never stand between the dog and the
hydrant.
Don't stand behind a coughing cow.
Never say anything on the telephone you
wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with
something bigger and heavier.
Never accept a glass of lemonade from a
urologist.
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an
interview unless applying for the job of umpire.
Never take a job where the winter winds can
blow up your pants.
Don't lick a frozen pump handle.
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