WEDDING
PLANNING TIPS
A wedding is a magical event, but planning
one can be loaded with potential pitfalls. Here are some helpful tips to make sure that
special day is perfect in every way.
* Avoid seating guests next to fellow
family members who may have molested them in early childhood.
* If possible, hold your wedding in a
beautiful outdoor location so that adorable woodland fawns and garland-toting bluebirds
may also attend.
* It is customary for the bride to wear a
special white gown, complete with lacy veil, long train and pregnancy-hiding girdle.
* Do not rely on overprotective dad Steve
Martin. He's got the wedding jitters!
* Make sure to choose a bridesmaid-dress
color that does not occur in nature.
* Consider hiring a professional DJ for
your reception. Professional DJs are the only people specially licensed to play "The
Chicken Dance."
* Be sure all the Hooters girls fit
comfortably inside the cake.
* When looking at churches, give extra
points to the one with the most tortured and bloody Christ display.
* It is a good idea to buy the seven-piece
S&M leather-restraint set with gift money received at the wedding, rather than putting
it on the registry.
* Choose a reception hall that is large
enough to meet your needs, but small enough to be adequately hosed down after Uncle Dennis
vomits up his 14 brandy Old-Fashions.
* When considering seating arrangements, it
is best not to seat neo-Nazis next to blacks or Jews.
* If you're thinking about hiring a band,
The Spin Doctors is available for weddings, as well as bar mitzvahs and children's
birthday parties. For more information, contact Jennifer Katz at Epic Records.
* Instead of spending thousands on floral
arrangements that wilt and die after a few days, consider decorating the tables with
attractive, long-lasting cinderblock.
* When choosing a caterer, take care to
select an amusing immigrant caricature. The resulting language barrier is sure to
guarantee comical hijinks for all.
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