HOW
WOMEN GET WHAT THEY WANT
Women are under the illusion they don't
have to ask men for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically
and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you
were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of
finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is
going through.
Ironically, however, men like to feel
needed - like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be
needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a
man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even
read a map, how's he going to read a mind?
HOW TO ASK A MAN TO
DO SOMETHING
Always remember these five important
rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and
line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to
two, three hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior.
Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate.
Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again
for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will
you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get
hurt".
The Right And Wrong
Way to Ask A Man
How you ask a man to do something makes all
the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no
effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is
why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of
"could you" and "can you".
For example:
Do say: would you please take out the
garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the
maid?
Do say: would you like to go out to a nice
dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words
"burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??
Do say: would you mind watching the kids
while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never
get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify
ourselves.
Do say: would you take me to a movie this
week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the
motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.
Do say: would you like me to listen to you
talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.
Do say: would you consider getting a
vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make
you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do
it or I'll do it FOR you!!
Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?
Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of
your life if you say "would".
|
