9 TYPES OF
GIRLFRIENDS / BOYFRIENDS
9 TYPES OF
GIRLFRIENDS
1. Ms. Nice Gal -
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have." Also Known As:
What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly.
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
2. Old Yeller - "You
spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
Also Known As:She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans.
3. Sickly - "Oh, my
head. My head. My feet. My cramps." Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Disadvantages: Contagious.
4. The Boss - "Stand
up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money.
Don't give me that look." Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball
and Chain.
Advantages: Often right.
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
- "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?"
Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
6. Wild Woman - "I've
got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It's
fun!" Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of
monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
7. Huffy - "I see
nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at!" Also Known As: No
Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry
for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
8. Woman from Mars -
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our
relationship." Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable.
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I
am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I
want to make love to you like a crazed weasel." Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess,
Knockout, Perfection, The One.
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent,
Uninhibited.
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
9 TYPES OF
BOYFRIENDS
1. Joe Sensitive -
"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family
man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
2. Old Man Grumpus -
"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
3. Flinchy - "I--I'm
sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when
startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
4. Bigfoot - "Shut
yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the
Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily
fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
5. Lazybones -
"Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug
Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
6. The Sneak - "Who,
me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
7. Ace of Hearts -
"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known
as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
8. The Dreamer -
"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but ..." Also known
as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
9. Mr. Right - "While
the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht,
ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
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