Because I'm a guy, I must hold the
television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in
the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call
a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running
very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I
need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never
get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to
purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find
exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same
thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our
appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will
just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all
that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask
me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit
your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think
about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't
need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of
announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single
time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I
have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call
you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes
into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me
if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up
the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the
same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do
not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're
wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either
pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look
fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all,
the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
