HOW TO SLOWLY DRIVE
YOUR WIFE CRAZY...
* Start asking her questions (don't
mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, I think its time I learn
to take care of myself. You know, just in case.
* Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure its
real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of
everything everywhere.
* While brushing your teeth, flick the
toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
* Never ask her to get you something from
the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when
she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor
and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today."
* Be sure to load up all your pockets with
tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.
* Leave yourself a trail of clothing,
towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose
your way.
* Wait until she's overwhelmed with work
(Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your
house plants are?"
* Put on a TV program and them pretend to
keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn
it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
* Wait until she is totally engrossed in a
movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure
its as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
* Wait until she's finally lost a few
pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most
effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and
say, "Oh stop it! A little X isn't going to hurt you."
* Continue until all weight is regained.
Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you
lost?"
* Keep calling her at work to find out what
time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not
in the mood for whatever she's making.
* When the opportunity arises be sure to
cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
* When you retrieve your clothes from the
closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled
enough to allow the article to slip off.
* Tell her something for the first time and
act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve
to say I never listen to YOU."
* When you know she's grocery shopping,
disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and
say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when she says that's
it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
* When ogling a woman say, "Sure she's
gorgeous, but remember she's young. I remember when you looked good too."
* On the odd occasion you actually clean up
a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
* As your stomach grows just wear your
pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still
wear the same size you did when you got married.
* Wait until the night before you go on
vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the
elastic is shot and I need new ones."
* Always leave the shower head at just the
right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
* Wait until she has repeatedly told you
something. Come home shortly after and say, X (women's name most effective but could be
suicidal) just gave me the best advice and repeat word for word.
* When doing filthy jobs around the house
be sure to wear your good clothes.
* Harass her into telling people a story
and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with, "No, that's not
what.........."
* Whenever something is ready to break make
sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the
hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."
* Even though the water is yellow and
foamy, swear you flushed the toilet.
* Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are
being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.
 
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