IF MEN WERE IN
CHARGE OF WEDDINGS
* There would be less "Oh Promise
Me" and "Endless Love" and more "Louie, Louie" and "Mony
Mony."
* There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner
Kegger" Party.
* The couple would leave the ceremony in a
souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side
of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
* There would be "Tailgate
Receptions."
* Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you
think, dear, The Burgandy or the Wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from
their local pub or tavern.
* Favors would be matchbooks and cigars.
Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
* Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean
cut-offs and halter tops.
* The bride's dress would show cleavage,
her navel, and be form-fitted to her ass.
* Tuxes would have team logos on the back
and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors..
* June weddings would be scheduled around
basketball play-offs.
* Vows would mention cooking and sex
specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
* Idiots who tried to dance with the bride
(unless they were really old) would get punched in the head..
* Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for
the role of "Best Man".
* Outdoor weddings would be held during
sporting events at half-time or between innings.
* Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons
would be long.
* Ceremonies and honeymoons would be
inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor
really do add up.
* Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet,
there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
* No one would bother with that "Veil
Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could
go.
* The bridal bouquet would be recycled from
a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
* Invitations would read as follow... Tom
(Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain... He's getting married. He either:
A)knocked her up
B)couldn't get a different roommate or
C)caved in to her ultimatum..
* Please meet the woman who will cook and
clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50 Yard Line At
Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for
beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B..
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