RELATIONSHIPS -
BEFORE AND AFTER
...A MAN'S VIEW
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and
suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex
kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient
dinners like a fine port.
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy
trackie bottoms while hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly
and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office
really does have a great ass.
Here are the key indicators of when the
honeymoon period has finished.
1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the
occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational
drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you
stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your
underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.
2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap;
piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After: You fart in front of her with
impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on
the resultant odor. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her
head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character
with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed
girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed,
pain-in-the-ass with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser,
but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.
4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic
romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit
grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day
is not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the
effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is
incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and
coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her
childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she
mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability
to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase,
"Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.
Overall Evaluation
Before: She thinks you are witty,
disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male
habits which have plagued her previous relationships .....but she suspects that you're
full of shit.
After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!
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