RULES TO BE A MAN
Ways to keep your Testosterone flowing...
1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell
her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something
narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike."
5. If you lose something that belongs to
someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My
girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you
don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man.
Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has
had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really,
really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It
arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for
a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, but can't
think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like,
"I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a
girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if
he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is
to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not
giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer
back to rule #1.
22. Say things like, "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People
will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up
chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything.
26. Good break up line, "It's not you,
it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your
female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really
want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't
and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want,
your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all
possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end
of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have
sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone
is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our
society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about
relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you
still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer:
"Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be
contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how
things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make
an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your
vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're
doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead
until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care.
Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK
if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and
eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't
see them, they can't see you.
51. It is never your duty to take
responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to
describe genital, sex, semen, etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail.
When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue
complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in
a public place with people you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in
a public place with people you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at
whatever you are doing, DON'T
STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are
born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you want
quality.
60. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity
IS quality.
61. Lie.
62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one
finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you
are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
64. If the question begins with
"why," the answer is "I don't know."
65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and
throw them away.
66. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving
herself or spot" and others will worship your skills.
67. Keep track of how many seconds in your
life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
68. Other peoples' pain is strictly for
your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
69. Lie.
70. General Rule: Different is BAD.
71. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make
a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've
done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their f you're on a date, and there
is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
72. When you tell a girl about your past,
it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
73. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that
you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed.
Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then
drive like hell. (true story.)
74. If a girl breaks up with you because
you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's
the one who wanted to end the relationship.
75. The best sex position is you, lying
face up... and twenty girls on top.
76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While
some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will
only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your
body is on fire.
77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if
you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.
78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions.
Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.
79. Refuse to talk about the relationship.
Get uptight whenever she mentions "love" or "commitment."
80. Leave your boxers on the dining room
table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.
81. Never talk to a female, no matter how
long you've known her, when you're with your friends.
82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's
real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.
83. Scratch yourself in front of them.
Watch them squirm.
84. Realize that your phone bill is way too
high, and you couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.
85. Never compliment a girl, unless it's
behind her back about the size of her, um...
86. Be early for everything (before the
girl is even out of the shower) or don't show up at all.
87. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss
as well as your ex.
88. Plan for months ahead to finally go to
that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to
tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take
her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch
wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.
89. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke
you can think of-you know how she loves them!
90. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up,
tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be
grateful that you're staying with her.
91. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera
concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the
emergency room.
92. Tell her, in detail, about all the
girls that hit on you.
93. When she finally convinces you to take
her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look cool,
right?
94. Automatically assume that she doesn't
know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you
fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
95. Blame everything on PMS.
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