SHORT MILITARY JOKES
Following some duty overseas, the officers
at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male
combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to
attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be
made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.
The Captain hesitated, then said,
"Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind?"
A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea
for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the
following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: "I have missed you
so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet
me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we
can do "it" as soon as I step ashore."
The young lady who was just as anxious to
make love, sent him a reply: "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you
had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D.
cards."
During a visit to a military medical
clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and
mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two
months.
As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he
told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he
asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the
technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I
thought."
The first woman recruit in the Army
reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building,
she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later someone
finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.
This Marine drill instructor, completely
frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot
enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had
been talking in ranks.
"WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID,
RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered.
In a quivering voice, the recruit replied,
"I said, to myself, Drill Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand
here and take his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of character.
The Pentagon once did a study on why so
many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to
popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US,
all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
A man was bragging about his sister who
disguised herself, as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the
listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't
she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged. "Who's gonna
tell?"
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon
was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea,
sir."
"Oh? And what does your father
do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
While practicing autorotations during a
military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the
tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper
fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing
a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any
assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't
done crashin' yet."
When the very curvaceous female midshipman
at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an
erection, she said to him, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister?"
The sailor looked her straight in the eye
as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."
The Army Airborne major was used to
harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly
good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly
good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because
they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to
jump."
"You've got it all wrong,
Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to
jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."
Why did the army send so many women with
PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
We have women in the military, but they
don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think
we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy
over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'
A young , attractive woman thought she
might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked
over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"
"1956," was his reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!"
she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you,"
he answered, glancing at his watch, "It's only 2014 now."
A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ
arguing. The Colonel says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure. The Major argues the
opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work. They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate.
The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him his opinion.
He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead.
He answers, "Well, if you really ask
my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you
SOB's would have me doing it!"
A Marine walks in the restroom and sees a
Sailor standing at the urinal, fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants.
The Marine says, "It must be a pain in
the ass to have to mess with all those buttons every time you take a piss."
The sailor replies, "Yes it is! If I
were a Marine, all I'd have to do is take off my hat."
"I suppose," snarled the leathery
sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for
me to die, just so you can spit on my grave."
"Not me," said the private.
"When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again."
In the midst of a blazing battle, an
officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly
on the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead
soldier and dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said,
"I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our
secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?!" the private
shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!!"
 
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