OATHS
OF ENLISTMENT
U.S. AIR FORCE OATH
OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of
my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the
Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for
the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear
not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid
form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the
Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I
promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really
in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better
quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware
of that fact.
After completion of my -- snicker --
"basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all
others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the
back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good),
will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER
-- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me
tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: ___________________ Date:
_________________
U.S. ARMY OATH OF
ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of
my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the
ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't
take me because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck
my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise
to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself
that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the
fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8
in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my
PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I
left.
On my first trip home after boot camp, I
will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my
wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking
Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of
knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day
at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to
the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will
help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends
from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college,
but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:__________________
Date:_______________ U.S.
NAVY OATH OF
ALLEGIANCE
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison,
swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang
out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air
Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to
swim...Why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of
style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I
understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the
Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of
the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head,"
when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in
the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter,
are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700
hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up
around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills
to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not
spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and
subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for
Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my
new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________
Date:_______________
U.S. MARINE CORPS
OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here),
swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight... grunt... cammies... ugh... Air Force women.... HOORAH!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________
Date:______________
 
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