Thank you for calling the United States
Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged.
Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific
crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans,
Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and
compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you
require more options, please listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the
sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a
temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude
bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is
not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to
customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research
and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which
can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band,
please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk
missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served
basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press
3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please
press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations
Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can
afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time
and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army
and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family
in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily,
risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching
Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call
will shortly be connected to a bitterpassed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down
by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again
for trying to contact the United States Army.
