ACTUAL
SIGNS
* At the entrance of the large machinery
plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery.
If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
* At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell
gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
* On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy
* In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean
dancing every night but Sunday.
* On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our
customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
* On a display of "I love you
only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
* In the window of a Kentucky appliance
store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
* In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
* In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are
prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
* On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
* In a dentist office: Be true to your
teeth or they will be false to you.
* This was seen on a car being towed by a
large motor home: I go where I'm towed to.
* On a restaurant: Try our fish just for
the halibut.
* Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles,
get your faith lifted.
* Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New
Rear!
* Car Lot: The best way to get on your
feet....Miss a car payment.
* Maternity Clothes Shop: We are
open on Labor Day.
* On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant:
Blackened bluefish
* In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a
week and weekends.
* On an established New Mexico dry cleaning
store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
* On a New York convalescent home: For the
sick and tired of the Episcopal Church
* Outside a country shop in West Virginia:
We buy junk and sell antiques.
* In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing
store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!
* A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare
Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
* In a New York restaurant: Customers who
find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
* In the offices of a New Jersey loan
company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
* In the window of an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
* In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO
END
* On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when
this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
* On the grounds of a private school in
Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.
* In a New York medical building: Mental
Health Prevention Center
* At a number of US military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
* In a Florida maternity ward: No children
allowed.
* In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If
you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
* In a Los Angeles clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
* In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our
layaway plan.
* In the front yard of a funeral
home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
* On an electrician's truck: Let us
remove your shorts.
* Outside a radiator repair shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.
* On a maternity room door: Push,
Push, Push.
* At an optometrist's office: If you
don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
* On a taxidermist's window: We
really know our stuff.
* On a butcher's window: Let me meat
your needs.
* On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog
food is expensive.
* At a car dealership: The best way
to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment.
* Outside a muffler shop: No
appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
* In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop
your pants here.
* On a desk in a reception room: We
shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
* In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
* At the electric company: We would
be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
* In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
* In a restaurant window: Don't stand
there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
* Inside a bowling alley: Please be
quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
* In a cafeteria: Shoes are required
to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
* English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers,
Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.
* On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission
* Outside a Hotel: Help! We need
inn-experienced people.
* At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the
next dents?
* At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at
12:30. Offenbach sooner.
* On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.
* On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a
min-u-et.
* In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all
heels.
* On another Butcher's window: Pleased to
meat you.
* At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in
first crash condition.
* On the door of a Computer Store: Out for
a quick byte.
* In a Laundromat: Automatic washing
machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
* In a department store: Bargain
Basement Upstairs.
* In an office: Would the person who took
the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
* In an office: After the tea break,
staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
* On a church door: This is the gate of
Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please
use side entrance)
* Outside a second-hand store: We exchange
anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a
wonderful bargain.
* Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person
passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
* In a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving
their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
* In a health food shop window: Closed due
to illness.
* Spotted in a Safari Park:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
* Seen during a conference: For
anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
* Notice in a field: The farmer
allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
* Message on a leaflet: If you cannot
read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
* On a repair shop door: We can
repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
* In a toilet: Toilet out of order.
Please use floor below.
* Plumber: We repair what your husband
Fixed.
* Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE
Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber.
* Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza
makes one Weak.
* At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to
your next blowout.
* Door of a plastic surgeons office: Hello,
can we pick your nose?
* Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call
us, we'll call you.
* At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund
your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?
* At a Towing Company: We don't charge an
arm and a leg. We want tows.
* Billboard on the side of the road: Keep
your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
* On an Electricians truck: Let us
remove your shorts.
* In a Nonsmoking Area: If we see
smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
* In a counselors office: Growing
old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
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