* I can't come to the phone now because I
have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
* You know what I hate about answering
machine messages? They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they
really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided
to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to
suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
* <Noisy pick-up of phone> Hi, I'm a
burglar and I was just about to steal Douglas's answering machine. If you give me your
name and number I'll....uh.....I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. By the way,
do you know where he keeps the silver?
* Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't
come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then
talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the
following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis
as soon as possible.
* I can't come to the phone now, so if,
well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing.
* You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice
Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later
use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for
literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near
future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
* Thank you for calling the Metropolitan
Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear
a...er...shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not
commit a bear...dern...
* Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is
full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were
like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well,
sometimes I do. Bye.
* (Ominous electronic background music:) In
honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a
message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI
ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
* Steve has been captured by a flying
saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number,
and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in
next week's National Inquirer.
* Hello, you've reached Simon and Sandy. We
can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sandy
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
* Hi, this is John. If you are the phone
company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are
my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
* Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding
someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
* Please leave a message. However, you have
the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
* (Sexy female voice with heavy panting)
Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (sigh) Oh no, he's out...(aah) Yes, he's in
again...(ooh) No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll
call you as soon as he... comes.
* Hi! John's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets.
* This is not an answering machine -- this
is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning
your call.
* Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God
speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back
as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO.
Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
* A is for academics, B is for beer. One of
those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
* Hi, I'm not home right now but my
answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
* Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am
capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back
to you.
* Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't
answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you
back.
* If you are a burglar, then we're probably
at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
